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How to Do Hollywood the Wrong Way – Part Two

Feeling like a vampire, I threw on some shades and on four hours of sleep, I went to retrieve my car at the scene of the crime. I can tel...

Sunday, September 25, 2016

Kiefer Sutherland Needs a Vacation


Normally, I do not believe in interfering in the lives of celebrities but in light of this week’s events, I must do my civic duty.  Hell, maybe even my Hollywood duty! I have become very concerned for the well-being of one of Canada’s native sons, Mr. Kiefer Sutherland.  In my opinion, his services are being taxed and we are demanding too much of him.

Let us all bow our heads in a moment of silence to observe Jack Bauer. As you may remember, Mr. Sutherland played this character from 2001-2010.  Nine years!  That is longer than a Taylor Swift relationship. But getting back to the matter at hand, let’s discuss Jack Bauer. A retired serviceman and a former federal agent, Mr. Bauer was responsible for handling major threats to national safety on a continuous basis. Every time I turned around, something was happening to this guy or a member of his family or his dog.  Jack couldn’t catch a break.  I don’t even think he was allowed to sleep. He was so impressive that he came back from the dead!  I wonder if he complained about working too much overtime?

Just when he thought the coast was clear and his time as our last resort came to an end, Kiefer was pressed into service again. This time he was Martin Bohm in the show, Touch.  He was the father of a boy that could predict events before they happened.  Really? Crap!  This again? Isn’t someone else available? Was Matt Damon bored? Didn’t anyone from the West Wing need a job? (I’m looking at you, Jed Bartlett/Martin Sheen). Unfortunately, this series only lasted two seasons leaving Kiefer to begin making travel plans.

Except…. wait for it, wait for it……24 returns!  After public outcry and the whining of Fox execs plus a truckload of money, Jack was back for twelve episodes in 2014. This time he was living another day without a vacation or sleep. Hard to believe, right? Couldn’t his son from Touch predicted this for him? It is a hard business to be in when you are constantly expected to be the watchdog of America.  I mean, just ask Ben Affleck, or the cast of the Avengers, or that ridiculously good looking guy who plays Superman.  I am so mesmerized by his perfect hair and teeth; I can’t even remember his name.

Thank God, 24: Live Another Day was a limited effort so that Kiefer could finally get the peace he deserved. Alas, this wasn’t meant to be. ABC came knocking. Now, Mr. Sutherland is set to play yet another government official who must lead us through a crisis. The real irony of these situations is that Kiefer isn’t even a citizen of the US. 

In his new show, he is playing Tom Kirkman. Kirkman is a low-level cabinet member who does not attend a State of the Union address due to the designated survivor caveat.  Think of it as the designated driver position. One member of the cabinet gets a free pass in the event something occurs.

Of course, something tragic happens leaving casualties and now Kiefer is the commander in chief! A new series with a new set of dire predicaments is born!  Once again, he has been pressed into service. 

I can only imagine what decisions he will have to make. I am certain they will be more important than my current dilemma of whether Starbucks new Chile Mocha latte is better than their Pumpkin Spice latte.  Maybe I can ask Kiefer to help me out.  Oh yeah!  He’s busy….


Do you think Kiefer Sutherland deserves a break? Do you think it’s time another celebrity stepped up? I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject.
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Saturday, September 17, 2016

Dear Celebrity, I’m Your Number One Fan!


You may remember two weeks ago I wrote an open letter to my neighbors.  Since then they have mysteriously cut their grass!  Go figure.  This got me to thinking.  Are there any other letters I would write if I had the chance?  Of course there would be!  Here is a list of fan letters that I would write to certain celebs who have imparted their wisdom to the world and changed my life for the better.

Dear Lena Dunham,

First of all, let me tell you how inspirational you are to me. Girls is such a groundbreaking show or at least that is what everyone tells me. Television has never seen this kind of thing before where friends attempt to navigate life in New York City while trying to have relationships.  This is a totally new concept. I have the feeling this is going to catch on!

If it weren’t for you, I would never know how empowering it is to take off my clothes at the drop of a hat regardless if the situation calls for it.  Although I am still puzzled as to why those nice policemen asked me to put a shirt on.  I mean what is a girl to do?  We’ve been having this ridiculous heatwave and I was in the park just minding my business. 

If there is one thing you taught me, it is to empower myself through the art of stripping because that is what any good feminist would do.  That is why I am so proud of you and your co-star Jemima Kirke for modeling lingerie to encourage body positivity.  What woman doesn’t enjoy hanging out with her bestie for some girl time by wearing a lacy bra and panty set? A picture paints a thousand words.

Thank you for letting me know how hip and intellectual you are because no one seems to understand that about you. It’s great that you are becoming “Oprahsized” and you have created the Lenny website. Now I can subscribe to your newsletter so you can tell me how to feel about important issues like how a haircut kept Saudi Arabian filmmaker Haifaa al-Mansour from embracing the idea of jihad.  I was also moved by how you found your fashion identity with one old t-shirt.  That article brought me to tears. 

I don’t care that Odell Beckham Jr. isn’t sexually attracted to you.  What does he know about good taste anyway?  You just keep doing you, girl!

Lena isn’t the only famous person that has inspired me throughout the years.  Here is a letter I wrote to Kris Jenner.

Dear Kris Jenner,

You are an inspiration to mothers everywhere!  You saw an opportunity to help your daughter Kim find a career and you jumped on it with both feet.  We never knew how truly talented she was until that video. If it weren’t for you showcasing your family in every available media outlet, how would young girls know how to take nude selfies or how to use lip kits?

You really know all about family togetherness.  I love the fact that every little detail of your life and the lives of your children are shared with the American public. We really needed to know about Kim’s infertility struggle and how many times she did it with Kanye in the bathroom at a photo shoot.  This is a need to know situation! Speaking of photo shoots, thank you for that oiled up image of Kim that broke the internet!  Brava!  I was so envious that I was thinking about making that my Christmas card.

I know that you have had a rough year but I am glad that you are able to get over that whole dark period with a random guy that you met through Justin Bieber. Do you think Justin would be interested in starting a match-making website? Kudos to you for “allegedly” paying that random guy to be your consort for the show.  Like a boss!  #inspiration!

Kris Jenner isn’t the only inspirational celebrity out there.  Here is a piece of correspondence that I sent to another significant personage.

Dear Angelina Jolie’s Leg,

I know it seems strange for me to be writing to you but I just wanted to let you know how much you changed my life.  Up until your appearance at the 2012 Oscars, I was aware of your existence but I didn’t think I could ever get to know you.   And then all of a sudden, as if by magic, you appeared before me.  


Why did you pose like that?  What was the purpose? Was your hip hurting? Were your shoes too tight?  I may never know but since that first glimpse, I see you everywhere. Like Helen of Troy’s face, your impact can be felt in every wannabe starlet who catwalks on the red carpet but nothing compares 2 u, to your magnificence.  Oh, I do have a favor.  Do you think you can make an appearance at the office Christmas party this year?  Thank you so much!  XXOO

I am still waiting for a return letter from her.  I was thinking I could get an autographed picture but alas, that will never happen.  A girl can dream, right?

Finally, my last letter goes out to the high priestess of practicality, the relationship guru and domestic goddess, Gwyneth Paltrow.

Dear Gwyneth Paltrow,

You have filled a void for me since Martha Stewart passed away.  Oh, uh, that was a mistake.  My apologies to Ms. Stewart.  Apparently my researchers didn’t catch that fact.  Like I was saying, since I have gotten to know you, I have learned so many new things.  You showed me that you could live on $29 food stamps for a week. Well, for four days but who is counting?  That was admirable of you to tell low income families that dried beans and rice go a long way.

I like the way you think.  Yes, $695 is a great value for a blazer!  That is why your website Goop is so popular.   Who needs those Walmart rollbacks?  Not me!  Goop is a one stop shop.  Are you in a pinch?  Do you need a tall, oxidized bronze attenuated rod candlestick?  Now you can have one for only $540.  That is a steal.  As a matter of fact, I need 12 of those right now!

Just because you are a celebrity doesn’t mean that you don’t care about regular people.  You care quite a bit.  Why else would you let us know about the pelvic floor trainer?  Now that I know there is one, I will make sure to get it because you never know when you will get time to do Kegels.

I really enjoyed your article on “10 Reasons You Feel Old and Get Fat.” That really made me feel better about myself.  It empowered me.  I can’t wait to read the sequel, “How to Not Look Old & Tired.” Does that include the names and numbers of your personal trainer, fashion stylist and hair stylist in it?  I hope so because how else can I achieve your effortless, ageless look?

Last but not least, I appreciate you taking the time to teach me about conscious uncoupling. In the past, I would have called a divorce, a breakup.  Because of you, I can make it seem like an activity at a spa.

Maybe someday, I can be best friends with these celebrities IRL. You never know what the future holds. My fingers are crossed.
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Sunday, September 11, 2016

Who Ya Gonna Call? Not Me- I Have Enough Problems with the Living!



I will admit to being a fan of the supernatural and things that go bump in the night.  This is why I wrote a piece about horror films imparting life wisdom to me.  One of my guilty pleasures is watching shows like “The Dead Files,” “Paranormal Witness,” and “A Haunting.” In viewing these programs, I have learned many things about the afterlife that I never knew. 

The premise of the Travel Channel show, “The Dead Files” reads almost like a pitch for a Lethal Weapon 2.0 reboot.  A medium (Amy Allan) and a former NYPD detective (Steve DiSchiavi) team up to assist people who are tormented by demonic activity, ghosts, or poltergeists.  They investigate cases on a weekly basis and recommend whether the affected individuals can remain in their abodes or whether they should rent a U-Haul.

Apparently if you were an idiot to people in this life, nothing changes once you leave this mortal coil.  You will remain an idiot in your next incarnation.  One of the people featured on “The Dead Files” was a woman who was routinely beaten up while she was sleeping.  She would awaken the next morning with bruises, hand prints on her arms and around her neck, cuts, etc. If this were happening to me, I would take it as a sign that maybe I needed to think about moving or at the very least getting a Tempur-Pedic mattress because I obviously am 50 shades of greying myself in my slumber.

As it turns out, this woman is being smacked around by her bitch of a mother-in-law that detested her when she was living.  I guess since the mother-in-law doesn’t have GPS to take her toward the light and she does have some time on her hands, she probably watched the movie, “Taken,” repeatedly because she somehow acquired a very special set of skills. Suddenly the mother-in-law knows Kung Fu like Keanu Reeves in the Matrix so why not go all ninja warrior on her daughter-in-law?  It sounds like fun and a good way to pass the time!

Another bit of knowledge that I have acquired since becoming a regular viewer of these types of shows is that some ghosts are feng shui experts.  One couple who were experiencing a haunting left their house to run some errands.  When they returned every chair around their kitchen table was arranged into a pyramid and their living room looked as if World War III had occurred in it. While I will agree this is terrifying, it is probably the work of an apparition who feels that their home décor could use a “freshening” up.  After all, that kitchen table set has been around since the 1920’s, this ghost knows that there is a sale at Ashley Furniture so why not take advantage of it?  Or maybe the ghost is a relative and is just doing a gentle nudge so that the couple will consider a spring cleaning!

Sometimes a family on one of these programs is being tormented by a darker entity.  Common occurrences will be hearing disembodied voices, inhuman growls, and smelling horrible odors. Now, if I am minding my own business and I know that there is no one in the house with me and I hear someone calling my name, I am going to be cautious. I might respond and see if I get a reply.  If I get a reply, I am going to consider packing my shit up, not passing Go and not collecting $200.  I am not going to wait around and see what comes next.  If I am continuously smelling rotting food or decaying matter, it probably means that I have got to buy a new refrigerator or Roto-Rooter needs to be called immediately.  Then again, I may just move. 

It kills me (figuratively, not literally) when I am watching one of these programs and one of the participants is wondering why Satan has suddenly appeared and is living in the basement. The ghostbusters will conduct an investigation and ask them if they have ever participated in any supernatural activities.  The answer is usually, “We were sittin’ around with our friends tossin’ back a few Jell-O shots and decided to play with the Ouija board.  We wanted to see if anyone was around.”  Really? What did you think would happen?  Don’t you fools realize that the Ouija board is Beelzebub’s personal cell phone? Just watch “The Exorcist,” “Ouija,” or “Paranormal Activity.”  The Ouija board is definitely not like Pokémon GO. It’s more like Sorry with really bad consequences.

There is probably a reason why I am not chasing ghosts, exorcising demons or channeling the dead.  I have enough problems trying to deal with some of the dumb asses I encounter in this life. So if you are seeing things and they don’t look good, I suggest you contact Zak Bagans of “Ghost Adventures.” His tight t-shirts, bulging biceps, and strategically mussed hipster hair will definitely banish those troublesome spirits!


Are you a fan of paranormal tv shows? Have you ever been haunted? I would love to hear your opinions on the subject!  Please feel free to post your comments or contact me at susan.womanontheledge@aol.com.

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Sunday, September 4, 2016

An Open Letter to My Neighbors



As summer draws to a close and we silently pray for respite from this God awful heat, I would be remiss in not thanking my neighbors for making this season a memorable one.

Dear (Insert whatever adjective or noun fits the mood du jour),
First of all, I am so grateful that you live next door to me.  Up until two years ago, I didn’t even know you existed. Now I do and I feel as if my life has been forever altered. I don’t know how I functioned without your presence in my world.

Without you, I would never know how fun yelling for no apparent reason could be.  I would never know the meaning of shabby chic.  When looking at your windows, I can’t help but wonder if the sheets that adorn them are from the Martha Stewart collection at Kmart or if you bought them online from Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP.  All I can say is #lifegoals #ENVIOUS.

Of course, you know how much I love surprises!  That day when you had some random person bang on my back door and then ring my front doorbell incessantly, that was great!  I got a chuckle out of that.  My heart rate sped up so I know that you are concerned for my cardio health.  Whomever that person was, they must have needed something immediately.  I am so sorry I couldn’t get to the doors.  

If it wouldn’t have been for you screaming at your boyfriend (you crazy mixed up lovebirds!) at 1:30 in the morning, I wouldn’t have known just how quickly our law enforcement reacts to emergencies.  This is comforting. 

Oh and thank you for waiting until we were out of town to break your picture window. What was especially thoughtful of you was the way that you chose not to have pesky glass replacement professionals take care of that problem.  To save on inconveniencing us with the loud noise, you chose to have one of your friends come over and just plywood that sucker right up!  Every time I look at that board, I smile to myself and think, I am one lucky gal to have people like you living next to me.

Another thing I need to mention is your enterprising spirit.  It is great that you are able to run a 24 hour 7 days a week business out of your home!  I don’t know how you find the time because I know that awesome car collection of yours must take up majority of your day.  Judging by the satisfied looks on your customer’s faces, I think you are quite successful.  You must have a terrific product that appeals to that crucial 18-25-year-old demographic because those skater kids looked mighty pleased. Maybe you should go on the Apprentice or Shark Tank.

Because of you, I am able to identify most popular club songs by their bass line.  This is a rare gift to possess.  If it weren’t for you sitting in your primer coated Honda sharing the latest music with our neighborhood, I wouldn’t be so hip.  You are too cool!

And last but not least, I want to tell you that I appreciate your daring personality.  You are not afraid to go against the grain.  While mostly everyone in the neighborhood cuts their grass, you refuse.  I know it is because you are a big supporter of nature and a true environmentalist. You have taken a stance and you should be admired for it. 

It’s okay that we have to fight through the weeds to open the front door of our car.  Because you are so bold, I have learned about tick prevention so that I don’t get Lyme Disease.  Your actions are worth it.  Stay the course, stay strong!  You will triumph.

Kind Regards,
The People Living Next Door to You

 

 


Do you have neighbors from hell? Do you have any interesting interactions with them? I would love to hear your opinions on the subject!  Please feel free to post your comments or contact me at susan.womanontheledge@aol.com.