You may remember two weeks ago I wrote an open letter to my
neighbors. Since then they have
mysteriously cut their grass! Go
figure. This got me to thinking. Are there any other letters I would write if
I had the chance? Of course there would
be! Here is a list of fan letters that I
would write to certain celebs who have imparted their wisdom to the world and
changed my life for the better.
Dear Lena Dunham,
First of all, let me tell you how inspirational you are to
me. Girls
is such a groundbreaking show or at least that is what everyone tells me.
Television has never seen this kind of thing before where friends attempt to
navigate life in New York City while trying to have relationships. This is a totally new concept. I have the
feeling this is going to catch on!
If it weren’t for you, I would never know how empowering it
is to take off my clothes at the drop of a hat regardless if the situation
calls for it. Although I am still
puzzled as to why those nice policemen asked me to put a shirt on. I mean what is a girl to do? We’ve been having this ridiculous heatwave
and I was in the park just minding my business.
If there is one thing you taught me, it is to empower myself
through the art of stripping because that is what any good feminist would
do. That is why I am so proud of you and
your co-star Jemima Kirke for modeling lingerie to encourage body
positivity. What woman doesn’t enjoy
hanging out with her bestie for some girl time by wearing a lacy bra and panty
set? A picture paints a thousand words.
Thank you for letting me know how hip and intellectual you
are because no one seems to understand that about you. It’s great that you are
becoming “Oprahsized” and you have created the Lenny website. Now I can
subscribe to your newsletter so you can tell me how to feel about important
issues like how a haircut kept Saudi Arabian filmmaker Haifaa al-Mansour from
embracing the idea of jihad. I was also
moved by how you found your fashion identity with one old t-shirt. That article brought me to tears.
I don’t care that Odell Beckham Jr. isn’t sexually attracted
to you. What does he know about good
taste anyway? You just keep doing you,
girl!
Lena isn’t the only famous person that has inspired me
throughout the years. Here is a letter I
wrote to Kris Jenner.
Dear Kris Jenner,
You are an inspiration to mothers everywhere! You saw an opportunity to help your daughter
Kim find a career and you jumped on it with both feet. We never knew how truly talented she was
until that video. If it weren’t for you showcasing your family in every
available media outlet, how would young girls know how to take nude selfies or
how to use lip kits?
You really know all about family togetherness. I love the fact that every little detail of
your life and the lives of your children are shared with the American public.
We really needed to know about Kim’s infertility struggle and how many times
she did it with Kanye in the bathroom at a photo shoot. This is a need to know situation! Speaking of
photo shoots, thank you for that oiled up image of Kim that broke the
internet! Brava! I was so envious that I was thinking about
making that my Christmas card.
I know that you have had a rough year but I am glad that you
are able to get over that whole dark period with a random guy that you met
through Justin Bieber. Do you think Justin would be interested in starting a
match-making website? Kudos to you for “allegedly” paying that random guy to be
your consort for the show. Like a boss! #inspiration!
Kris Jenner isn’t the only inspirational celebrity out
there. Here is a piece of correspondence
that I sent to another significant personage.
Dear Angelina Jolie’s Leg,
I know it seems strange for me to be writing to you but I
just wanted to let you know how much you changed my life. Up until your appearance at the 2012 Oscars,
I was aware of your existence but I didn’t think I could ever get to know
you. And then all of a sudden, as if by
magic, you appeared before me.
Why did you pose like that?
What was the purpose? Was your hip hurting? Were your shoes too
tight? I may never know but since that
first glimpse, I see you everywhere. Like Helen of Troy’s face, your impact can
be felt in every wannabe starlet who catwalks on the red carpet but nothing
compares 2 u, to your magnificence. Oh,
I do have a favor. Do you think you can
make an appearance at the office Christmas party this year? Thank you so much! XXOO
I am still waiting for a return letter from her. I was thinking I could get an autographed
picture but alas, that will never happen.
A girl can dream, right?
Finally, my last letter goes out to the high priestess of
practicality, the relationship guru and domestic goddess, Gwyneth Paltrow.
Dear Gwyneth Paltrow,
You have filled a void for me since Martha Stewart passed
away. Oh, uh, that was a mistake. My apologies to Ms. Stewart. Apparently my researchers didn’t catch that
fact. Like I was saying, since I have
gotten to know you, I have learned so many new things. You showed me that you could live on $29 food
stamps for a week. Well, for four days but who is counting? That was admirable of you to tell low income
families that dried beans and rice go a long way.
I like the way you think.
Yes, $695 is a great value for a blazer!
That is why your website Goop is so popular. Who
needs those Walmart rollbacks? Not
me! Goop is a one stop shop. Are you in a pinch? Do you need a tall, oxidized bronze
attenuated rod candlestick? Now you can
have one for only $540. That is a
steal. As a matter of fact, I need 12 of
those right now!
Just because you are a celebrity doesn’t mean that you don’t
care about regular people. You care
quite a bit. Why else would you let us
know about the pelvic floor trainer? Now
that I know there is one, I will make sure to get it because you never know
when you will get time to do Kegels.
I really enjoyed your article on “10 Reasons You Feel Old
and Get Fat.” That really made me feel better about myself. It empowered me. I can’t wait to read the sequel, “How to Not
Look Old & Tired.” Does that include the names and numbers of your personal
trainer, fashion stylist and hair stylist in it? I hope so because how else can I achieve your
effortless, ageless look?
Last but not least, I appreciate you taking the time to
teach me about conscious uncoupling. In the past, I would have called a
divorce, a breakup. Because of you, I
can make it seem like an activity at a spa.
Maybe someday, I can be best friends with these celebrities IRL.
You never know what the future holds. My fingers are crossed.
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