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How to Do Hollywood the Wrong Way – Part Two

Feeling like a vampire, I threw on some shades and on four hours of sleep, I went to retrieve my car at the scene of the crime. I can tel...

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Dear Celebrity, I’m Your Number One Fan!


You may remember two weeks ago I wrote an open letter to my neighbors.  Since then they have mysteriously cut their grass!  Go figure.  This got me to thinking.  Are there any other letters I would write if I had the chance?  Of course there would be!  Here is a list of fan letters that I would write to certain celebs who have imparted their wisdom to the world and changed my life for the better.

Dear Lena Dunham,

First of all, let me tell you how inspirational you are to me. Girls is such a groundbreaking show or at least that is what everyone tells me. Television has never seen this kind of thing before where friends attempt to navigate life in New York City while trying to have relationships.  This is a totally new concept. I have the feeling this is going to catch on!

If it weren’t for you, I would never know how empowering it is to take off my clothes at the drop of a hat regardless if the situation calls for it.  Although I am still puzzled as to why those nice policemen asked me to put a shirt on.  I mean what is a girl to do?  We’ve been having this ridiculous heatwave and I was in the park just minding my business. 

If there is one thing you taught me, it is to empower myself through the art of stripping because that is what any good feminist would do.  That is why I am so proud of you and your co-star Jemima Kirke for modeling lingerie to encourage body positivity.  What woman doesn’t enjoy hanging out with her bestie for some girl time by wearing a lacy bra and panty set? A picture paints a thousand words.

Thank you for letting me know how hip and intellectual you are because no one seems to understand that about you. It’s great that you are becoming “Oprahsized” and you have created the Lenny website. Now I can subscribe to your newsletter so you can tell me how to feel about important issues like how a haircut kept Saudi Arabian filmmaker Haifaa al-Mansour from embracing the idea of jihad.  I was also moved by how you found your fashion identity with one old t-shirt.  That article brought me to tears. 

I don’t care that Odell Beckham Jr. isn’t sexually attracted to you.  What does he know about good taste anyway?  You just keep doing you, girl!

Lena isn’t the only famous person that has inspired me throughout the years.  Here is a letter I wrote to Kris Jenner.

Dear Kris Jenner,

You are an inspiration to mothers everywhere!  You saw an opportunity to help your daughter Kim find a career and you jumped on it with both feet.  We never knew how truly talented she was until that video. If it weren’t for you showcasing your family in every available media outlet, how would young girls know how to take nude selfies or how to use lip kits?

You really know all about family togetherness.  I love the fact that every little detail of your life and the lives of your children are shared with the American public. We really needed to know about Kim’s infertility struggle and how many times she did it with Kanye in the bathroom at a photo shoot.  This is a need to know situation! Speaking of photo shoots, thank you for that oiled up image of Kim that broke the internet!  Brava!  I was so envious that I was thinking about making that my Christmas card.

I know that you have had a rough year but I am glad that you are able to get over that whole dark period with a random guy that you met through Justin Bieber. Do you think Justin would be interested in starting a match-making website? Kudos to you for “allegedly” paying that random guy to be your consort for the show.  Like a boss!  #inspiration!

Kris Jenner isn’t the only inspirational celebrity out there.  Here is a piece of correspondence that I sent to another significant personage.

Dear Angelina Jolie’s Leg,

I know it seems strange for me to be writing to you but I just wanted to let you know how much you changed my life.  Up until your appearance at the 2012 Oscars, I was aware of your existence but I didn’t think I could ever get to know you.   And then all of a sudden, as if by magic, you appeared before me.  


Why did you pose like that?  What was the purpose? Was your hip hurting? Were your shoes too tight?  I may never know but since that first glimpse, I see you everywhere. Like Helen of Troy’s face, your impact can be felt in every wannabe starlet who catwalks on the red carpet but nothing compares 2 u, to your magnificence.  Oh, I do have a favor.  Do you think you can make an appearance at the office Christmas party this year?  Thank you so much!  XXOO

I am still waiting for a return letter from her.  I was thinking I could get an autographed picture but alas, that will never happen.  A girl can dream, right?

Finally, my last letter goes out to the high priestess of practicality, the relationship guru and domestic goddess, Gwyneth Paltrow.

Dear Gwyneth Paltrow,

You have filled a void for me since Martha Stewart passed away.  Oh, uh, that was a mistake.  My apologies to Ms. Stewart.  Apparently my researchers didn’t catch that fact.  Like I was saying, since I have gotten to know you, I have learned so many new things.  You showed me that you could live on $29 food stamps for a week. Well, for four days but who is counting?  That was admirable of you to tell low income families that dried beans and rice go a long way.

I like the way you think.  Yes, $695 is a great value for a blazer!  That is why your website Goop is so popular.   Who needs those Walmart rollbacks?  Not me!  Goop is a one stop shop.  Are you in a pinch?  Do you need a tall, oxidized bronze attenuated rod candlestick?  Now you can have one for only $540.  That is a steal.  As a matter of fact, I need 12 of those right now!

Just because you are a celebrity doesn’t mean that you don’t care about regular people.  You care quite a bit.  Why else would you let us know about the pelvic floor trainer?  Now that I know there is one, I will make sure to get it because you never know when you will get time to do Kegels.

I really enjoyed your article on “10 Reasons You Feel Old and Get Fat.” That really made me feel better about myself.  It empowered me.  I can’t wait to read the sequel, “How to Not Look Old & Tired.” Does that include the names and numbers of your personal trainer, fashion stylist and hair stylist in it?  I hope so because how else can I achieve your effortless, ageless look?

Last but not least, I appreciate you taking the time to teach me about conscious uncoupling. In the past, I would have called a divorce, a breakup.  Because of you, I can make it seem like an activity at a spa.

Maybe someday, I can be best friends with these celebrities IRL. You never know what the future holds. My fingers are crossed.
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