Want to Join My Squad?

Every time I turn around, some celebrity has assembled a “squad.” Back in olden times, (that would be the 1990’s) your friends used to be your “posse.” Of course if you are a star or person of note in addition to the squad, there is a team led by “handlers” or “wranglers” otherwise known as publicists, managers, or whatever the hip, new definition is these days. Whenever I see these two terms in relation to someone like Donald Trump or one of the Kardashian minions I immediately picture cowboys in chaps on horses trying to lasso said famous person. For those of you whose minds may have wandered at the mere mention of chaps, they aren’t just for bikers or the Village People anymore and I’ll leave it at that.  Apparently those jobs are very similar to parenting.

Whenever a politician, athlete, movie star or musician fabulously messes up like a certain personality who forgot that a microphone was turned on and decided to espouse their tips for romancing the ladies (person with a last name that rhymes with dump), the handlers or wranglers are forced to spring in to action. Sometimes they will slap the errant celeb on the hand and take away their Twitter account. Other times, they are tasked with formal apologies and the writing of mea culpas to be seen on every form of social media that has been invented.

The last group to be found in the celeb hierarchy of people they can’t do without is the “entourage.” These individuals are SO important that there was an entire show on HBO devoted to them along with a rather regrettable movie.  This group is usually comprised of body guards, a member of the squad’s cousin who needs to find work because he got fired from the 7-11 and so on and so forth.

As for yours truly, I am nowhere near the stratosphere or ionosphere of a celebrity. However, I thought it would be fun to imagine picking a squad. I am fairly confident that all of the individuals I am about to mention will probably lose my evite or have better things to do.

Tina Fey – I love this fellow Pennsylvanian ever since 30 Rock first graced my television set back in the 00’s.  She was the FIRST female head writer on Saturday Night Live, a notorious men’s club.  Another reason why she rocks? She isn’t afraid to call out celebrities on their bullshit. She owns who she is and is perfectly okay not being a sex symbol. Having coffee with her at the Starbucks would be a trip. I would love to hear her comments about all of America’s greatest writers being assembled under one roof.

Amy Poehler – Boston Amy, as I like to call her is second on my list. I mean her and Tina are a package deal. Amy is comfortable in her skin and understands that she is a 45-year-old woman and not a 20 something. My favorite quote from her is found in the movie Sisters, “A little less Forever 21 and a lot more Suddenly 42!” In addition to being an awesome comedienne, Amy runs a website, amysmartgirls.com.  This site encourages young women to be intelligent and imaginative. The next time I go to the mall, I am bringing her with me. Then just for the hell of it, we are going to Forever 21!

Melissa McCarthy – What can I say? She had me at Bridesmaids. This woman is fearless! She is not above looking ridiculous to get a laugh and that is why she is so successful. Although she has lost quite a bit of weight, she designed her own line of plus sized clothing because she felt that retailers didn’t really offer curvy girls a decent selection. Melissa is the kind of woman I am doing shots with after work on Friday because hey this bar needs some excitement!

Carrie Brownstein -  For those of you that don’t know her, Carrie is the co-creator along with Fred Armisen of the outrageously funny IFC show, Portlandia. Prior to her show, Carrie was part of the punk rock trio, Sleater-Kinney. Portlandia regularly skewers hipsters, pop culture, geeks, and the music scene. Carrie is definitely my go to chick for the twenty one pilots concert or the next time I get my hair colored mermaid aqua.

Kristen Wiig – If it weren’t for Kristen, I never would’ve gotten to know Melissa! Another SNL alum, if I were single, she would be my wing person. Every squad needs a friend who is willing to assist in that department.  In addition to her being a talented comedy writer, she has also worked with some funny guys that I fancy, Will Ferrell and Simon Pegg. I bet she could arrange a meet and greet….

Amy Schumer – What can I say?  I have something for the name Amy. This woman keeps me laughing all the time. From her stand up, to Trainwreck, to her latest book, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo, I am always highly entertained! She also doesn’t give a crap about what you think about her and she doesn’t have time for your thoughts on how she should behave either. If I ever get in a bar fight (see Melissa McCarthy above), I know this New York gal has my back!

There you have it!  My squad has been assembled. Now I have to inform them along with the director of Taylor Swift’s music video, Bad Blood. You know that Tina is dying to wear those dominatrix boots and that Boston Amy wants to try out the bullwhip. Oh yeah, Carrie is up for being a “boss” so watch out Lena Dunham. Amy S is all about that tight bustier and Kristen is giving herself a smoky eye because she likes looking bitchy or like a raccoon in the rain.

Who makes the cut for your squad? I’d love to hear your picks! Feel free to comment or drop me a line at susan.womanontheledge@aol.com

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