Saturday, November 5, 2016
It’s the End of the World and I Feel Fine
I guess I should start off my blog by thanking Michael Stipe and company, otherwise known as REM for giving me the title of this week’s missive. Of course, while I am tongue in cheek, the rest of the world probably is not. For almost two years now, I have listened to social media screaming that if Donald Trump is elected President all it takes is ONE WRONG MOVE! I guess these pundits think that Trump will just sit near the proverbial red button and one day if he is rejected by an 18-year-old model or if someone tries to touch his hair, he will snap! The button will be pressed and bye bye world as we know it.
I have also heard that if Hillary Clinton is elected President we will all be forced to wear grey pantsuits like Chairman Mao or that America will become a socialist state.
This is just crazy talk as well because while I do question Hillary’s taste in clothing, I know that she cannot single handedly turn our democratic society into a dictatorship regime. One thing that is standing in the way of this master plan is Congress. You know those people we elected that tell us they do things but in actuality they fall asleep while important votes are being cast, send dick picks to minors, play games on their phones or look at porn all day instead of looking out for our interests? Yeah, those idiots. Since they can’t agree on anything because they are too busy trying to one up each other, democracy will live another day.
I don’t know if everyone has caught this Armageddon fever but it seems as if our television networks are definitely capitalizing on this theme. Recently, I got sucked in to watching the History Channel series, Doomsday: 10 Ways the World Will End. I will admit, I am interested in science and natural disasters. Tornadoes, hurricanes, volcanic eruptions, you name it, I have probably read about them and watched numerous programs on the Discovery Channel concerning those subjects. This latest series is about possible otherworldly cataclysmic events.
As if we haven’t got enough to worry about (see 2016 election results) it seems as if the universe is now plotting to end life as we know it! Yes, we are all aware of global warming (thank you, Al Gore) which is Mother Earth’s way of saying that she is tired of our abuse and she is kicking us out. Now, we have to contend with outside influences as well.
A couple of months ago, the scientific world informed us that asteroid 2016 QA2 missed the Earth by less than a quarter of the distance to the moon. Holy crap! I guess we got lucky on that one. However, asteroids are the least of our potential problems as I am quickly learning from the Doomsday program. This past summer, many areas all over the world experienced record high temperatures. Unfortunately, where I reside in the lovely American Southeast, we were not immune to this phenomenon.
Summer was basically unbearable this year. Every day I felt like I woke up in a humid jungle. Ninety-degree heat and 100% humidity. In that type of weather, I feel as if I could run a marathon and do the P90X workout all in one day! Are you fucking kidding me? With weather like that, all I want to do is stay indoors in the air conditioning and pray that I can walk into the kitchen without sweating like a pig. Not to mention that type of weather is wonderful for people with naturally wavy hair. For most of the summer, I looked like a bat shit crazy extra from The Great Gatsby with my bob plastered against my head in waves. What a good look! Not to mention, trying to figure out what clothing to wear because booty shorts are not my choice of attire. I am not trolling for twenty somethings in the mall nor am I going to stand on the corner wearing really bad red lipstick with my eyebrows penciled in with a Sharpie marker. You get the picture.
According to the History Channel, one of the ways the world can end is if the Earth breaks out of its orbit and goes hurtling toward the sun. This was one of my favorite jokes over the summer. Now, not so much. Apparently, this can really happen! One of the ways our orbit can get disturbed is if a rogue star decides that it needs a vacation and starts travelling around the universe. Even though that star could be millions of miles away from the Earth, our planet could still react to its gravitational pull and this would be the beginning of the end. Earth would start heading toward that bright yellow orb in the sky and everyday would feel like Dante’s Inferno. Count me out. I hope we never experience this misfortune. I had enough of the blinding heat of this past summer.
Another cosmic “holy crap” scenario is the gamma ray burst. Think of this as the universe’s way of saying, “Surprise!” This is a phenomenon that comes out of nowhere and there is no preparation that will save you. So, sorry, people that have built indestructible underground bunkers for when the Illuminati take over the world. Your fortresses are not going to work. The gamma ray burst is caused by two stars colliding. If the resulting radiation should penetrate our atmosphere, we are FUBARed. We all know what that means. I seriously doubt that a President Clinton or a President Trump will be able to save us from the results of that event.
I guess the message I am trying to get across is that a presidential election is not going to cause our demise. While the things I described could happen, the odds of them happening at this moment in time are negligible. After all, we survived the last time a comet plunged into the Gulf of Mexico in pre-historic times. We overcame Jimmy Carter’s presidency. The world continued to spin on its axis. Evolution continued. We will find a way to survive.