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Friday, December 30, 2016

New Year’s Resolutions or Wishful Thinking

Every beginning has an end. Thankfully we are coming to the end of 2016.  As is the custom, I have taken the liberty of coming up with some resolutions for those individuals who may be too busy to do this little exercise.

My hope and dream for Lena Dunham is to realize that not everyone cares about her opinions. Yes, she has the right to express them but we have the right to laugh at them. I also would like to raise money to buy her a new publicist. The one she has is currently sleeping on the job or is too busy using their device to pick up hot guys on Tinder. They should really be paying attention to their client. She suffers from foot in mouth disease and should be placed on social media lockdown. I am so glad that this is the farewell season of Girls on HBO. Maybe if we all close our eyes and wish real hard, she will fade into oblivion.

In 2017, I want the universe to please find Taylor Swift a boyfriend that sticks. I realize if this ever happens it may end her career as a pop artist but I’ll take that chance. Now, don’t get me wrong, I do love me some Tay-Tay especially Blank Space which apparently is reserved for the next smoking, young hard bodied wannabe matinee idol. This girl changes out guys more than the drive thru at your local McDonald’s. I know she’s young and she’s finding her way. I get it but let’s keep it OTDL in the future. I am tired of all these mashup celeb names like Hiddleswift or whatever they were calling her and Tom Hiddleston for the three minutes that they were a couple.

My resolution for this upcoming year is to stop taking the life of every celebrity on the face of the earth that is truly talented. 2016 was ridiculous. Prince, George Michael, David Bowie, Gene Wilder, Carrie Fisher, Florence Henderson and Debbie Reynolds and the list goes on and on. I know you really tried to decimate all our childhoods in one fell swoop 2016, but it is going to be different in 2017. We are really pissed off and our patience is running thin. So, you better be on your best behavior or incur our wrath.  Don’t make us go all Rambo on your ass. If necessary, we will build a celebrity safe house. Betty White, your room is waiting. Reservations are pending.

I would also like to assist the fashion industry with their resolution to STFU and quit telling us all how we should look and what sizes we should wear. Not every man on the face of the earth is a Ryan Gosling or Brad Pitt clone. Furthermore, not every woman aspires to take nude selfies in the bathroom complete with duckface every single day. I am not a Stepford Wife and I don’t want Cindy Crawford telling me that since we’re the same age, I need to buy her makeup so I can look like her. Sorry, Cindy. I don’t walk around my house covered in a haze filter so nothing is going to turn me into your lookalike. As long as we are healthy and we are active, do we really have to aspire to look like we are doing a GQ or ELLE shoot? No. So, lighten up and allow us to have our own individual styles. That is the secret of true beauty.

Could Peyton Manning reach out to Tony Romo and maybe give him part of the Papa John franchise or something? I am dreaming of a football season where I don’t have to care about how he feels about riding the pine or worry about his future. Mr. Romo will be just fine. He probably already has more money than I will ever have in my lifetime and we have all seen the Direct TV commercials. After football, he can have a successful career on some new cop show on CBS. Doesn’t NCIS need another spin-off? How about Law & Order? It is my hope that 2017 will be kind to him and point him in the right direction preferably out of the spotlight.

Has anyone seen Kathie Lee Gifford lately? My resolution for her is to find a new hairstyle. That Carrie Bradshaw meets a crimping iron disaster on top of her head is not a very flattering look. I understand that she is a woman in broadcasting and once they pass the age of 25 they are considered old and washed up but come on! I also dream that someday she and Hoda will put down their wine glasses.  It would be nice to see an interview that makes sense. I also hope that in between Kathie Lee’s many businesses that she can find time to do some research on her guests. Just winging it doesn’t cut the mustard.

My final wish for the new year is for Kanye West to get some rest. Seriously. He has been working too hard. Keeping up with Kim is exhausting. She is a full-time job. There are only so many naked Instagram photos you can upload in a day! I also think he could benefit from taking a social media time out. Tweeting + Kanye’s thoughts = Disaster.

I truly hope that 2017 works out and that we don’t have to fire it. For now, I guess we will just put it on double, secret probation. Happy New Year everyone!

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Friday, December 23, 2016

From Me to You

Another holiday season is upon us and I wanted to take this time to thank everyone who has supported Woman on the Ledge. This blog of mine was an exercise and a quiet little wish to recapture a long-forgotten dream. Sometimes life takes us in unexpected directions.  I was fortunate that my particular direction gave me a second chance.

2017 is right around the corner. For those of you out there who are struggling and feeling as if you are going nowhere, hang on. This is going to be your year. Be positive. Let your inner light shine. Use your talents to make this world a better place.

From the bottom of my heart, I really do appreciate all of the interactions and relationships that I have formed over these past couple of months. They have been invaluable. I wish each and every one of you, as well as your families a Happy Holiday and a joyous New Year!

See everyone on the flip side!  

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Saturday, December 17, 2016

There’s a Day for That

The other evening, I was having a conversation with my husband about the fact that it was National Cocoa Day. I love cocoa maybe a little more than the average person but does it really deserve an entire day? Once you finish it, you can always get more, millions of people are aware of it.  Does it really need to be celebrated?

Being the nerd that I am, I decided to do some “investigatory” journalism and delve into this phenomenon. Plus, what else am I really doing at the moment? Definitely not holiday shopping.

Turning my attention to the month of December, you would think that there would only be 2 days that are on everybody’s calendars, right? Au contraire, mon amie! There are so MANY celebrations it is ridiculous.  Let’s take a look, shall we?

December 18- Answer the Phone Like Buddy the Elf Day. Seriously? Can you imagine picking up the phone in your office and saying the following, “(Insert your name) what’s your favorite color?” Try this and I am certain that there will be one of two outcomes. You could receive a wonderful early retirement or a one-way ticket to the unemployment line. I am almost positive that my former bosses would have loved my explanation. “Hey, it’s a national day! I was just observing it. I didn’t know it was Mr. Burns on the line.”

December 20- National Sangria Day. This has potential if it were on a Friday but it’s on a Tuesday. It could be an excuse to have that holiday office party. I find that productivity will definitely increase after one or two glasses of this elixir. Sangria would definitely liven up that potentially soul crushing experience.  A word of caution though, if the door to the copier room is closed, don’t open it. You could be scarred for life.

December 26 – National Whiner’s Day.  Wow! Finally, a day I can celebrate. This is something I am fairly adept at and I do it on a consistent basis. How many people actually whined to their congressmen for this to have become a day? I don’t really think it deserves the attention of the entire US but okay, I’m game. On the other hand, UGH! Is this really necessary? See how good I am? I bet you didn’t even notice I was whining. I am a professional.

December 30 -National Bicarbonate of Soda Day. First of all, there are too many words in this day.  On an additional note, if I have to explain bicarbonate maybe it shouldn’t be a day.  Unless I become Bill Nye the Science Guy this celebration will just have to stay off my calendar. Just saying.

As if December weren’t chockful of memorable shindigs, let’s take a gander at January!

January 1 – National Hangover Day. I am going to be putting that in my Samsung calendar even as I am typing. Note to self: Jager bombs are never a good idea at any age. Yes, it does taste like college, thank you very much Ed Helms! It also feels like college and I am too old for bed spins. Good times.

January 2 – National Personal Trainer Awareness Day. I am very aware that personal trainers exist. The reminder is very much appreciated considering I am still recovering from National Hangover Day. Yoga and the elliptical are not my best friends right now. It is a struggle to make it from the couch and my Evil Dead binge watch into the kitchen. What makes you think that I am going to amp up my heart and pulse rate to sweat out New Year’s Eve bad decisions? 

January 12 – National Pharmacist Day. Why are we waiting so long for this day? It seems to me it could be sandwiched in any time from December 21 – January 1. 

January 13 – National Blame Someone Else Day. Once again, I think that everyone could have used this day back in December. Who can I blame for this oversight?

January 21 – National Hugging Day. This is a celebration that should not be practiced at your place of business unless you want to spend an inordinate amount of time in your HR department.  “Honestly, Ms. Davis. It’s National Hugging Day. Everybody knows that! The people that are complaining are the ones that I didn’t hug. They just have to get over it. And no, despite what Kevin says, it wasn’t a lingering hug. He wishes.”

January 24 -Beer Can Appreciation Day. We’re back to this, really? I just got over the beginning of the new year. Oh, what the hell. Pass me the Stella Artois. I know it’s beer can appreciation day. I am going to appreciate beer without the can.

January 25 – National Irish Coffee Day. Alright! I am of Irish heritage. I really don’t need a day for this but if you insist…. pass the Bailey’s and the Jameson’s please? I guess that could take care of the looming hangover from my visit with Ms. Artois yesterday.

January 26 – National Green Juice Day. Am I the only one that is seeing a persistent theme here? This sounds pretty gross but I am thinking quite a few people are going to be in need of detox or a “cleanse” after all the multiple celebrations.

Just a personal observation, I have noticed that each month during 2017 contains cupcake, brownie, or adult beverage days. If I celebrate all of them, I am going to be the new spokesperson for Jenny Craig or I am going to find myself checking in at the Promises facility in Malibu (Google it). Maybe we should have a day for not having a day. I could use a rest! Crap…. I just saw January 16th   has been co-opted from MLK Day and is also National Nothing Day.

There it is! 

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Saturday, December 10, 2016

Wanna Join My Squad – The Guy Edition

As you may recall a couple of months ago, I posted the wish list for Woman on the Ledge’s girl squad. Since it is the holidays, the party season is in full swing, and in the spirit of equal time, I decided to check out what men might be available for some cocktails and soirees.

I do have to put a disclaimer out there before I get started. The males on this list are eclectic and some of them will be head scratchers. However, I am a bit quirky (in case you haven’t noticed) so these might not be your conventional choices. Unfortunately, Brad, the Ryans, George, Jake, Dwayne, and Brad sorry. Maybe next time. So, without further ado, grab your martini glasses, put on your black-tie attire and get ready to paint the town red!

First up, Mr. Will Ferrell. How can I not invite Frank the Tank to that boring office Christmas party? You know the one. Everyone is wearing horrible sparkly applique sweaters and tacky Santa ties. Yeah, that function. If I had Will by my side I wouldn’t have to worry about having that awkward conversation with Janice from accounting about her favorite YouTube cat videos. I am certain that if a keg were nearby Will could create one hell of a diversion by shouting, “Keg stands everybody!” If we happened to be poolside, a random “Cannonball!” would certainly liven up this soul crushing experience.

Simon Pegg – This choice is for the geek in me. For those of you that aren’t familiar with Simon’s work, he is the genius behind the classic horror comedy Shaun of the Dead. Still don’t know him? He plays Scotty in the new Star Trek films. Like me, Simon is a big fan of science fiction. When the small talk gets to the point where I am craving a double shot of scotch (any Glen will do!) Simon can pepper the conversation with pop culture references so that I won’t have to feel my pain alone. Thanks, Simon for saving me. I will buy you a round at the Winchester once we blow this popsicle stand.

Robert Downey Jr. – Iron Man/Sherlock Holmes anyone? RDJ in the house! While he is definitely eye candy for the ladies, Mr. Downey has the acting chops to back up his Tony Stark good looks. I grew up with Robert and if you see any of his films in the 80’s (and we are ignoring his lamentable turn on Saturday Night Live YIKES!) you can tell that he has talent. His turn with legendary thespian, Robert Duvall in The Judge is proof positive that there are great things awaiting him in the future. He is witty, he is urbane and he will look damn good in a tux. Case closed!

Bruce Campbell – Okay. Yes, I know. You are probably wondering, “Susan, with all the A list actors out there why would you pick the King of the B movies? Really?” I see your point but don’t sell Bruce short! He has a wealth of potential that hasn’t even been touched yet. Of course, he is known as the hero, (well, anti-hero) of all the Evil Dead movies. He is now the star of the hit cable show, Ash vs the Evil Dead. Prior to that, he played a rather conventional television role in the wonderful action packed USA series, Burn Notice. Look, let’s get down to brass tacks here. No one can rock a Tommy Bahama shirt without looking like your embarrassing drunk Uncle Ed but Mr. Campbell can! Plus, he makes it look cool. This guy is super funny and isn’t afraid to wear plaid jackets. Enough said. I am bringing him along because he is going to turn that family gathering into a college party night to remember. Tequila shooters anyone? Aunt Edna, get off the table! You aren’t 18 anymore!

Bill Murray – This man in my humble opinion is a national treasure! He had me at “Noogies” on Saturday Night Live back in the day. I firmly believe that he will have a date with Oscar in the very near future. His work keeps getting better and better. St. Vincent was one of the BEST pictures I have seen in a long time. Mr. Murray has made the list not only because he is “Bill Freakin’ Murray” but he is a fearless comedian. You know how it isn’t a party until someone does drunk karaoke? I guarantee you, this man could liven up any hum drum gathering with his lounge singer version of Baby, it’s Cold Outside. Plus, it would be so awesome to be friends with the guy who inspired a thousand memes. Let’s all raise a glass and toast to Dr. Peter Venkman!
I do have some honorable mentions. While these gentlemen did not make the first cut, they are my stand by’s in case one of the above flakes out. You know how actors can be!

Sir Patrick Stewart – What can I say about Star Trek’s TNG Captain Jean-Luc Picard? Sir Patrick is a master thespian and a graduate of the impressive Bristol Old Vic Theatre School. Not only did he tread the boards doing Shakespeare but he can also do comedy. He is a regular on my favorite animated show, Family Guy and he has also narrated the hysterical movie, Ted. In addition, he is the lead on what may be one of the best cable television shows ever, Blunt Talk. If you were ever curious about how Sir Pat Stew looks in a dress, then this is must see TV.  He is dashing, a wonderful conversationalist and his voice could melt butter. If I would ever have to go to a scary caviar and champagne affair (which I am fairly certain will NEVER happen) he is my guy.

Jeremy Clarkson – For those of you that do not know Mr. Clarkson, he was the presenter on a little BBC and BBC America show, Top Gear. Last year, he was asked to exit the production that he had created due to a little mishap involving cold cuts.  Feel free to Google that one, it is a doozy, trust me. Anyway, he is a polarizing personality. Currently he is on Amazon Prime hosting the delightful, Grand Tour. Jezza, as his fans call him is bombastic but quick witted and not afraid to verbally spar with the best of them. He would be the perfect person to take over a boring dinner conversation.  Haven’t we all been there?

Well, that wraps up my squad- the guy edition. I had quite a bit of fun choosing the members. Now I am going to have to have my people call their people to do lunch. Meanwhile it’s time to break out the Spanx and the stiletto heels. Good times. Hopefully I won’t end up in the ER.
Who makes the cut for your squad? I’d love to hear your picks! Feel free to comment or drop me a line at susan.womanontheledge@aol.com  or hit me up on Twitter @SusanontheLedge. Happy Holidays!
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Saturday, December 3, 2016

Random Thoughts That Keep Me Up at Night

I was wandering around the internet for inspiration the other day as I sometimes do when I should be working. Let’s face it, you can only test software for so long before losing your mind because people can’t seem to figure out how to use a Maps application. It is very simple. You put in your desired destination hit “Go” or “Enter” and like witchcraft, you have routes and information and stuff. I know it’s amazing, isn’t it? Although there are pockets of the world population that believe “Home” is a universal point of interest that most Map programs would recognize.  They think that somehow or other the application is going to know exactly where they live and will guide them in the right direction. Most of the time, the response to “Home” is a town in the middle of Eastkadumptruck, Michigan where I am certain no one is looking for, not even Kid Rock.

Sorry for the tangent but I just wanted to give you a taste of my daily world and what lead me to the topic of this week’s blog. I was reflecting on the holiday season and the entire year of 2016. So much has happened, some good, mostly bad but I will be dancing like a drunk bartender at Coyote Ugly at midnight on December 31st. Good riddance to this craptacular episode in the annals of time and as Jay-Z said so eloquently, “On to the Next One.”

There is quite a bit of activity that goes on in my mind and sometimes my overactive imagination goes into hyper drive and I will lie awake at night pondering random thoughts. Please join me as I lead you down the path of possible future annoyances or concerns. Remember, “Enter at your Own Risk.”

Will Starbucks ever run out of special drinks? Believe me, this is an issue. Every holiday season, more and more drinks get added to their already overflowing menu. Due to the seemingly never ending choices available to the general public, invariably I am stuck in the drive thru for hours because Yoga Pants in the CIA issued SUV can’t decide between the Crème Brulee or the Spiced Flat White Latte. Seriously, Starbucks. Haven’t we used all the available flavors known to man? What’s next? The Ooompa Loompa Choco-Orange Frappuccino? The I’m Freezing My Ass off in this 30 Below Weather Caramel Candy Cane Trenta Venti Quad Latte? You get the picture.

Sticking with the holiday theme, is it a requirement that every gift I buy be wrapped like a priceless work of art before presenting it to the recipient? Nobody has time for that, including me! Let’s be real. The people that you buy presents for are just going to rip that priceless wrap job from here to hell and back to get at that Hatchimal, Prada purse, or cashmere sweater so save yourself the heartache. Say no to papercuts, scissor mishaps and creative swearing! Wrapping gifts-so not worth it!

Since we are gearing up for winter and the threat of inclement weather is very real do I need to stock up on eggs, bread and toilet paper since I might not make it to the store? I would love to hear the conversations people have when they see the first snowflake fall from out of the sky or the first raindrop hits the pavement (for my friends who live in desert climates). I imagine those conversations would go something like this; “Hey honey? It looks like it is (insert your choice of weather related calamity here) do you think we should go to the store? I was thinking we are going to need extra toilet paper to insulate the house and eggs and bread so that we can pack on layers of fat since there is no way I will be swimsuit ready until May.” Why not get practical items like bottled water or a shovel or an umbrella? Probably because there is no panic for any of those items and we just enjoy having fisticuffs over Charmin in the middle of Aisle 5.

It has come to my attention over the past few years, that the television season is getting shorter and shorter. This sucks because if I get the flu or something what else am I going to do with all of my free time? I can’t be bothered to pay for Netflix or Hulu or any other pricey streaming service. Have you ever tried watching movies on YouTube? I made the mistake of watching, “My Name is Bruce” the other night and granted it was an incredibly bad movie (in a good way) but the sound quality was like it was filmed on an old flip phone from the early 00’s.  Do these high paid television personalities really need summer and winter breaks? For crying out loud, John Oliver won’t be back until February, most of network television is on hiatus, and all of my favorite cable shows are wrapping up their seasons. With the way it is going we will get approximately 2 months of viewing time in the future. Wouldn’t it be great if jobs in the real world operated like that? Can we make that happen?

The weather has been on my mind for quite some time. I would really love for that entire thing to be sorted out. One day it is 80 degrees, the next day it is below freezing. I really am concerned that I will wake up some day and it will be the new desert where I live or the frozen tundra. This leaves me in a constant state of wardrobe conundrum. Do I wear the bikini or the parka? Trust me, this will keep me awake for hours.

I also worry about Hollywood. If they run out of superheroes, will movies cease to exist? Once we have used up the entire arsenal in Marvel and DC where do we go from there? What happens to Ben Affleck? Will we even care about Chris Hemsworth if there is no Thor? Will Robert Downey, Jr. be forced to get a customer service job with Zappos?  All of these questions need to be answered and now. This could become a crisis situation. So many careers are at stake, we need to know what will happen.

Is the Food Network the place D List actors and actresses go when their careers are dead? What qualifies Hayley Duff to be a chef? No, I didn’t say Hilary Duff although she may be on the network soon with the way her career trajectory has been going. When did Valerie Bertinelli cross over from queen of the Lifetime movies to hosting a baking show with Duff Goldman? What did I miss? Why is Tiffani Amber Thiessen now only known as Tiffani Thiessen since she is the host of her own cooking show? She left White Collar for this gig? Does that mean that in the future we will see blockbusters starring Guy Fieri and Bobby Flay?  I think not!

Who created auto tune? Why does this exist? Can anyone answer this question? Look, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton can’t sing. We didn’t ask them to but yet they did. Perhaps that is why auto tune was invented to give people the illusion that they could stay on pitch. Rihanna does not need to use this device. Can this be stopped?

Should I be caring more about Tony Romo? Is his career over? If it is, do we need a Kickstarter campaign for him to find a new job? Apparently, this is making the Cowboy Nation lose their collective minds. I just want to help.

Panera is now serving clean food. This has me in a state of panic. I love Panera. I especially love their soups and salads. However, if I was eating dirty food prior to this revelation, do I get to sue them? What does clean food mean anyway? I am assuming with health codes if there would have been a violation they would have been shut down. Does this term mean that someone individually scrubs the vegetables one at a time? Ugh. That would be the most tedious job in the world.

Now you know what goes on in my brain. Maybe I am too observant. Who knows? I will probably get answers to some of these questions and then more random thoughts will creep in. It is a vicious cycle. Thank heavens for the internet! We all know that is where the real facts are found. Guess I will be sleeping after all!

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