Friday, December 30, 2016
New Year’s Resolutions or Wishful Thinking
Every beginning has an end. Thankfully we are coming to the end of 2016. As is the custom, I have taken the liberty of coming up with some resolutions for those individuals who may be too busy to do this little exercise.
My hope and dream for Lena Dunham is to realize that not everyone cares about her opinions. Yes, she has the right to express them but we have the right to laugh at them. I also would like to raise money to buy her a new publicist. The one she has is currently sleeping on the job or is too busy using their device to pick up hot guys on Tinder. They should really be paying attention to their client. She suffers from foot in mouth disease and should be placed on social media lockdown. I am so glad that this is the farewell season of Girls on HBO. Maybe if we all close our eyes and wish real hard, she will fade into oblivion.
In 2017, I want the universe to please find Taylor Swift a boyfriend that sticks. I realize if this ever happens it may end her career as a pop artist but I’ll take that chance. Now, don’t get me wrong, I do love me some Tay-Tay especially Blank Space which apparently is reserved for the next smoking, young hard bodied wannabe matinee idol. This girl changes out guys more than the drive thru at your local McDonald’s. I know she’s young and she’s finding her way. I get it but let’s keep it OTDL in the future. I am tired of all these mashup celeb names like Hiddleswift or whatever they were calling her and Tom Hiddleston for the three minutes that they were a couple.
My resolution for this upcoming year is to stop taking the life of every celebrity on the face of the earth that is truly talented. 2016 was ridiculous. Prince, George Michael, David Bowie, Gene Wilder, Carrie Fisher, Florence Henderson and Debbie Reynolds and the list goes on and on. I know you really tried to decimate all our childhoods in one fell swoop 2016, but it is going to be different in 2017. We are really pissed off and our patience is running thin. So, you better be on your best behavior or incur our wrath. Don’t make us go all Rambo on your ass. If necessary, we will build a celebrity safe house. Betty White, your room is waiting. Reservations are pending.
I would also like to assist the fashion industry with their resolution to STFU and quit telling us all how we should look and what sizes we should wear. Not every man on the face of the earth is a Ryan Gosling or Brad Pitt clone. Furthermore, not every woman aspires to take nude selfies in the bathroom complete with duckface every single day. I am not a Stepford Wife and I don’t want Cindy Crawford telling me that since we’re the same age, I need to buy her makeup so I can look like her. Sorry, Cindy. I don’t walk around my house covered in a haze filter so nothing is going to turn me into your lookalike. As long as we are healthy and we are active, do we really have to aspire to look like we are doing a GQ or ELLE shoot? No. So, lighten up and allow us to have our own individual styles. That is the secret of true beauty.
Could Peyton Manning reach out to Tony Romo and maybe give him part of the Papa John franchise or something? I am dreaming of a football season where I don’t have to care about how he feels about riding the pine or worry about his future. Mr. Romo will be just fine. He probably already has more money than I will ever have in my lifetime and we have all seen the Direct TV commercials. After football, he can have a successful career on some new cop show on CBS. Doesn’t NCIS need another spin-off? How about Law & Order? It is my hope that 2017 will be kind to him and point him in the right direction preferably out of the spotlight.
Has anyone seen Kathie Lee Gifford lately? My resolution for her is to find a new hairstyle. That Carrie Bradshaw meets a crimping iron disaster on top of her head is not a very flattering look. I understand that she is a woman in broadcasting and once they pass the age of 25 they are considered old and washed up but come on! I also dream that someday she and Hoda will put down their wine glasses. It would be nice to see an interview that makes sense. I also hope that in between Kathie Lee’s many businesses that she can find time to do some research on her guests. Just winging it doesn’t cut the mustard.
My final wish for the new year is for Kanye West to get some rest. Seriously. He has been working too hard. Keeping up with Kim is exhausting. She is a full-time job. There are only so many naked Instagram photos you can upload in a day! I also think he could benefit from taking a social media time out. Tweeting + Kanye’s thoughts = Disaster.
I truly hope that 2017 works out and that we don’t have to fire it. For now, I guess we will just put it on double, secret probation. Happy New Year everyone!