I was wandering around the internet for inspiration the
other day as I sometimes do when I should be working. Let’s face it, you can
only test software for so long before losing your mind because people can’t
seem to figure out how to use a Maps application. It is very simple. You put in
your desired destination hit “Go” or “Enter” and like witchcraft, you have
routes and information and stuff. I know it’s amazing, isn’t it? Although there
are pockets of the world population that believe “Home” is a universal point of
interest that most Map programs would recognize. They think that somehow or other the
application is going to know exactly where they live and will guide them in the
right direction. Most of the time, the response to “Home” is a town in the
middle of Eastkadumptruck, Michigan where I am certain no one is looking for,
not even Kid Rock.
Sorry for the tangent but I just wanted to give you a taste
of my daily world and what lead me to the topic of this week’s blog. I was
reflecting on the holiday season and the entire year of 2016. So much has
happened, some good, mostly bad but I will be dancing like a drunk bartender at
Coyote Ugly at midnight on December 31st. Good riddance to this
craptacular episode in the annals of time and as Jay-Z said so eloquently, “On
to the Next One.”
There is quite a bit of activity that goes on in my mind and
sometimes my overactive imagination goes into hyper drive and I will lie awake
at night pondering random thoughts. Please join me as I lead you down the path
of possible future annoyances or concerns. Remember, “Enter at your Own Risk.”
Will Starbucks ever run out of special drinks? Believe me,
this is an issue. Every holiday season, more and more drinks get added to their
already overflowing menu. Due to the seemingly never ending choices available
to the general public, invariably I am stuck in the drive thru for hours
because Yoga Pants in the CIA issued SUV can’t decide between the Crème Brulee or
the Spiced Flat White Latte. Seriously, Starbucks. Haven’t we used all the
available flavors known to man? What’s next? The Ooompa Loompa Choco-Orange Frappuccino?
The I’m Freezing My Ass off in this 30 Below Weather Caramel Candy Cane Trenta
Venti Quad Latte? You get the picture.
Sticking with the holiday theme, is it a requirement that every
gift I buy be wrapped like a priceless work of art before presenting it to the
recipient? Nobody has time for that, including me! Let’s be real. The people
that you buy presents for are just going to rip that priceless wrap job from
here to hell and back to get at that Hatchimal, Prada purse, or cashmere sweater
so save yourself the heartache. Say no to papercuts, scissor mishaps and
creative swearing! Wrapping gifts-so not worth it!
Since we are gearing up for winter and the threat of
inclement weather is very real do I need to stock up on eggs, bread and toilet
paper since I might not make it to the store? I would love to hear the
conversations people have when they see the first snowflake fall from out of
the sky or the first raindrop hits the pavement (for my friends who live in
desert climates). I imagine those conversations would go something like this; “Hey
honey? It looks like it is (insert your choice of weather related calamity
here) do you think we should go to the store? I was thinking we are going to need
extra toilet paper to insulate the house and eggs and bread so that we can pack
on layers of fat since there is no way I will be swimsuit ready until May.” Why
not get practical items like bottled water or a shovel or an umbrella? Probably
because there is no panic for any of those items and we just enjoy having
fisticuffs over Charmin in the middle of Aisle 5.
It has come to my attention over the past few years, that
the television season is getting shorter and shorter. This sucks because if I
get the flu or something what else am I going to do with all of my free time? I
can’t be bothered to pay for Netflix or Hulu or any other pricey streaming
service. Have you ever tried watching movies on YouTube? I made the mistake of watching,
“My Name is Bruce” the other night and granted it was an incredibly bad movie (in
a good way) but the sound quality was like it was filmed on an old flip phone
from the early 00’s. Do these high paid
television personalities really need summer and winter breaks? For crying out
loud, John Oliver won’t be back until February, most of network television is
on hiatus, and all of my favorite cable shows are wrapping up their seasons. With
the way it is going we will get approximately 2 months of viewing time in the
future. Wouldn’t it be great if jobs in the real world operated like that? Can
we make that happen?
The weather has been on my mind for quite some time. I would
really love for that entire thing to be sorted out. One day it is 80 degrees,
the next day it is below freezing. I really am concerned that I will wake up
some day and it will be the new desert where I live or the frozen tundra. This
leaves me in a constant state of wardrobe conundrum. Do I wear the bikini or
the parka? Trust me, this will keep me awake for hours.
I also worry about Hollywood. If they run out of
superheroes, will movies cease to exist? Once we have used up the entire
arsenal in Marvel and DC where do we go from there? What happens to Ben
Affleck? Will we even care about Chris Hemsworth if there is no Thor? Will
Robert Downey, Jr. be forced to get a customer service job with Zappos? All of these questions need to be answered
and now. This could become a crisis situation. So many careers are at stake, we
need to know what will happen.
Is the Food Network the place D List actors and actresses go
when their careers are dead? What qualifies Hayley Duff to be a chef? No, I
didn’t say Hilary Duff although she may be on the network soon with the way her
career trajectory has been going. When did Valerie Bertinelli cross over from queen
of the Lifetime movies to hosting a baking show with Duff Goldman? What did I
miss? Why is Tiffani Amber Thiessen now only known as Tiffani Thiessen since
she is the host of her own cooking show? She left White Collar for this gig? Does
that mean that in the future we will see blockbusters starring Guy Fieri and
Bobby Flay? I think not!
Who created auto tune? Why does this exist? Can anyone
answer this question? Look, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton can’t sing. We didn’t
ask them to but yet they did. Perhaps that is why auto tune was invented to
give people the illusion that they could stay on pitch. Rihanna does not need
to use this device. Can this be stopped?
Should I be caring more about Tony Romo? Is his career over?
If it is, do we need a Kickstarter campaign for him to find a new job? Apparently,
this is making the Cowboy Nation lose their collective minds. I just want to
help.
Panera is now serving clean food. This has me in a state of
panic. I love Panera. I especially love their soups and salads. However, if I
was eating dirty food prior to this revelation, do I get to sue them? What does
clean food mean anyway? I am assuming with health codes if there would have
been a violation they would have been shut down. Does this term mean that
someone individually scrubs the vegetables one at a time? Ugh. That would be
the most tedious job in the world.
Now you know what goes on in my brain. Maybe I am too
observant. Who knows? I will probably get answers to some of these questions
and then more random thoughts will creep in. It is a vicious cycle. Thank
heavens for the internet! We all know that is where the real facts are found.
Guess I will be sleeping after all!
Wow, that's a full on blog post if ever I read one!
ReplyDeleteMap apps - I get em. I've got plenty of friends and family that don't. They give me beer for explaining it to them.
my daily world and what lead me to the topic of this week’s blog. I was reflecting on the holiday season and the entire year of 2016. So much has happened, some good, mostly bad but I will be dancing like a drunk bartender at Coyote Ugly at midnight on December 31st. Good riddance to this craptacular episode in the annals of time and as Jay-Z said so eloquently, “On to the Next One.”
Not being a coffee person I don't really do Starbucks as I refuse to pay 3 quid for a cup of tea!
Wrapping gifts? Like you say they're going to rip em open so why go to any effort?
We've had fluctuating weather over here too. Last week it was below zero this week it's about 7°. I've noticed that as soon as snow is threatened the great unwashed head out and panic buy bread and milk. Not sure why that is.
US TV seasons are getting shorter I've noticed. Ours have always been short, usually 6-8 episodes. TV also seems to be telling big 'arc' stories as apposed to individual self contained episodes. I subscribe to Netflix but after paying for Sky (satellite) and my TV licence that's all I can afford.
I don't think they will ever run out of superheros but I do think the current fad of movies will fizzle out at some point.
Food Network, never watched it. Don't even know if we get it.
Auto tune can be funny when it's used to make a funny YouTube video. For commercial singers though it shouldn't be allowed.
The next 2 subjects over my head I'm afraid.
I actually replied to you via email. D'oh! Please let me know if you received it! Thank you for reading & commenting. My thoughts on the gift wrapping were based on some friends & family who sweat over the outward portion of the gift as if it were the Mona Lisa. I prefer gift bags they are decorative & easier. The store during a storm is a huge enigma for me. If I got paid in beer for explaining the maps, I would be ecstatic!
DeleteI did receive your email thanks. I get paid in beer for various IT tasks, I have a cupboard full!
ReplyDeleteThat is a fine method of payment!
DeleteHere are your answers, yes, no, no, no, maybe, and of gawd no!!! I hope that helps.
ReplyDeleteI never use the drive through lane, anywhere, there is a theory that it is a portal to a machine that stops time completely. I do like coffee though.
Maybe we should have a new super hero post. Are you up for it?
Actually Agent 54, Tim Hecht has created several of those on his blog. I am always up for the creation of anything new or resurrect the old. Colonel Steve Austin anyone?
DeleteLike I didn't have enough mind clutter. Bingo Bob says I need to broaden my horizons. I'm not sure about that. If they get any broader, my horizons are going to be paper thin... and that won't stop logic bombs from entering my world.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by, Bradley! I agree with you about logic bombs. Some days it feels as though I have been ambushed...lol.
Delete