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How to Do Hollywood the Wrong Way – Part Two

Feeling like a vampire, I threw on some shades and on four hours of sleep, I went to retrieve my car at the scene of the crime. I can tel...

Friday, January 6, 2017

Dear Hollywood...


It’s a brand new spanking year, filled with promise, the chance to start anew but alas, Hollywood did not get the memo. I don’t know if they were in mourning over the demise of Brangelina or lazy but apparently 2017 is the year of the sequel.

Trust me, originality is not dead. There are plenty of writers out there creating incredible stories. In her old age, Tinseltown is becoming complacent. She no longer looks to find new talent. Why bother when you can just crank out Fast and Furious 103? Hell, Dwayne Johnson and Vin Diesel will be ready for the Actors Home and still doing hand break turns in their wheelchairs.

In a last-ditch effort to try and knock some sense into the La La Land powers that be, I have decided to write a letter. This should be fun!

Dear Hollywood,

I was very excited at the prospect of new movies this year only to be horribly disappointed. You have done it to me again. Just when I thought we could reconcile and move past our differences you closed the door in my face.

I remember in 2015 all of the furor that surrounded 50 Shades of Grey only to see your hopes and dreams dashed when fan reaction wasn’t what you were expecting. I tried to be understanding. If only Dakota Johnson could act. Yes, she is good at tossing her hair and biting her lip but dialogue and any semblance of human emotion? Not so much.

Her co-star, Jamie Dornan is like a mannequin come to life. He reminds me of a photo in a frame that you would get at Walmart. You know the one. You leave it in there and try to convince your friends that he is the new man in your life? Unfortunately, he is also lacking in the talent department. His attempt at being mysterious and brooding left me wanting to give him a Tylenol or something for his headache.

The sex scenes that were a middle aged married woman’s dream left me rolling on the floor with laughter. I kept trying to tell myself this wasn’t a comedy but I failed miserably. First of all, this has about as much basis in reality as My Little Pony does. Sorry, Bronies. It’s true. This entire movie was like an episode of Dateline. The only difference was that the S&M scenes weren’t taking place in a cabin in the woods.

Now, we get to experience the joy all over again with 50 Shades Darker. Everyone is back in the pool and now we have added Kim Basinger to the cast. Great! While she is lovely to look at, once again, acting is not her strong suit. Yes, I know she has an Oscar but where has she been since 1997? I rest my case.

Could you please tell me is it some sort of mandatory rule that every 30 to 40 years we have to have a King Kong picture? Wasn’t the original good enough? In 1976, even Jeff Bridges couldn’t save the remake. Then along comes 2005 and guess what? Another King Kong movie. We didn’t ask for it but yet we got it.

Cut to 2017 and we have a new incarnation entitled, Kong: Skull Island. Maybe Sam Jackson and Tom Hiddleston can save this film but I have my doubts. I won’t be going to see this but then again, you probably don’t care because in 2057 we will just get another Kong movie.

I really don’t understand the choice to greenlight this motion picture because the original in 1995 didn’t do so well but apparently, we have short memories for these types of things. Now we are getting a new and improved version of The Power Rangers! Thanks for this, it was very thoughtful of you. Bryan Cranston is involved in this fiasco along with Elizabeth Banks. These two actors are very versatile and must have student loans or something to pay off by getting involved in this clunker. I guess this film will help kick off the new upcoming television show.

Thank God for Michael Bay! He is leaving the Transformers franchise but not before we get another installment. Even fans of the series were disappointed with the last few efforts but apparently, this idea is unstoppable.  When will this end, or will we be stuck in a perpetual loop of hell where the only movies that we can see involve aliens that morph into cars?

Please, Hollywood. I know that I am one in a million and that you have others who love you more than I do but if you keep giving them the same lame sequels year in and year out, the passion is going to burnout. You have to keep things fresh and interesting. Why not mix it up? Remember how you used to love true indie films? The ones where the actors were people that weren’t Julia Roberts and Tom Cruise and the plots were really inventive and the directing was creative? Why don’t you try doing some of those for a while?

Kind Regards,

A Fan

How do you feel about prequels and sequels? Do you think they are necessary? What types of movies do you enjoy? I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject. 
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2 comments:

  1. Hollywood as most creative industries have, has been taken over by the accountants. Money has always stifled creativity. Look at theatre - how many film adaptations are there on stage these days? I'm all for sequels if there is still a healthy amount of fresh material.

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    1. I do enjoy some sequels but it seems to me they are all going to the same well all the time. Thanks for dropping by, Captain. I always appreciate your comments. You are correct in that the same thing is happening on the stage too.

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