5 Life Hacks I Learned from Horror Movies

My husband John and I were watching tv the other day and the trailer for the new horror thriller, “Don’t Breathe” came on.  I hate to admit it but I was mildly intrigued by the premise.  John, on the other hand, was not even remotely interested. “The guy is blind.  What is he going to do to me?  I can run.  He can’t see me.”  I replied, “Yes, but his other senses have probably become more acute out of compensation.”  Rolling his eyes, John said, “It isn’t logical.”  Before I launched into a counter argument I suddenly remembered that I was married to Mr. Spock so debating this topic would be futile.  However, it did give me an idea. For as long as I can remember I have been an avid fan of the horror genre.  Stephen King, Dean Koontz, Peter Straub, and Clive Barker were some of my constant companions during my youth.  Hmm.  That makes me sound as if I looked like the girl from “The Ring.”  I can tell you I had a way better hairstyle.  It was the 80’s after all.  And no, I didn’t look like a renegade from a Cure concert either.  I have just always been attracted to the darker side of things. As a teenager I could not get enough of “Halloween”, “Friday the 13^th”, and “Nightmare on Elm Street.” Unfortunately, I did see some really crappy horror movies as well but they were always good for a laugh.  Maybe subconsciously my love of this genre actually prepared me for life.  After pondering this idea over a cup of Tim Horton’s (shameless plug), I decided to compile a list of life hacks that I have learned over the years from viewing scary films.

1. Always wear appropriate shoes – because I am a woman, the fashion gurus automatically assume that I will want to wear stiletto heels 24 hours a day while wearing a midriff top and skinny jeans that make me feel as if I have asthma. This is just not practical.  You should tailor your shoes to whatever activity or activities you will be participating in. Believe me, if you ever find yourself having to run in the woods from a guy in a hockey mask (and who hasn’t?!), you will want to be wearing a pair of Nikes.
2. Don’t settle for Mr. Right Now or Ms. Right Now- it is always a bad idea to hook up with someone because you don’t want to end up alone with a ton of cats. Try to have some standards and find a person that you have something in common with instead of just getting with a guy because he looks like Zac Efron or she looks like Kate Upton. If you don’t believe me, just see what happens to Kevin Bacon in the original “Friday the 13^th. “
3.  Be curious – be adventurous and get all the life experience you can.  If you want to try a new cuisine or listen to a different kind of music, go for it! However, I wouldn’t recommend conversing with your friend Captain Howdy via an Ouija board.  It didn’t turn out so well for Regan MacNeil in “The Exorcist.”
4. Be careful what you post on social media – I think this hack is pretty self-explanatory. Remember the office Christmas party from last year?  It probably isn’t a good idea to post that drunken selfie of you and your boss getting busy in the copier room to your Facebook wall, just saying. If you don’t believe me, check out the flick, “Unfriended.” It will make you think twice.
5. Do research – in today’s business climate it is just common sense to do your homework before you buy a house or make any other significant investment. Be wise about how you spend your hard earned cash. Don’t try to buy a filet mignon when you are dealing with a McDonald’s budget. Case in point, the Lutz purchase of a certain abode in Amityville, NY.  Need I say anything more?

I guess if you are open to it, you can learn something from just about any experience in this world even if you aren’t a horror movie fan. Have any movies, television shows, songs, or books affected your life in any way? I would love to hear your opinions on the subject!  Please feel free to post your comments or contact me at susan.womanontheledge@aol.com.

Why Am I on the Ledge?

Hi, I'm Susan Leighton.  So I turned 50 this year and lost my mind!  Mid-life crisis alert, but not in the way you might think.  Of course, mine doesn't include hot, younger guys or a fabulous Aston Martin DB9 convertible. I quit my job and embarked on establishing myself as a writer. 

Woman on the Ledge is meant to make you laugh, cry, hell, it will become a part of you! Wow, that was sappy.  I think I "borrowed" that from a critic's review of the original mini-series, "Roots."  

Remember, you are never too old to reinvent yourself.  Just look at Madonna.  Well, I am not exactly Madonna, but you get the picture.  Come along for the ride. Let me entertain you!  Okay, now I am channeling Liza Minnelli.  Yes, Liza with a Z.

So sit back, get comfy, grab your beverage of choice and enjoy the witty observations (hopefully!) of a chick just trying to make some sense out of this hot mess called life. 

Now, LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!  Please check out my inaugural post, "Escape from the Bored Room." https://itswomanontheledgeblr.tumblr.com/ramblingsandrants

One more thing, if you have any comments or if you just want to say hey, go ahead and reach out to me at susan.womanontheledge@aol.com.  I'd love to hear from you!

Cheers!

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Does Doing Jell-O Shots with Your Co-Workers Count as Team Building?

I spent 14 years of my life toiling away for various financial institutions.  Out of those 14 years, only 2 of them were actually enjoyable.  The rest, well, not so much. Now I am the first to admit that I am more or less of a loner.  This trait means that I am quite capable of accomplishing tasks on my own without the assistance of a team or consortium.

In my youth, I was not the type of kid that had a bazillion friends.  I always had 1 or 2 core people that I spent a majority of my time with and the rest were acquaintances and surface relationships.  You know the type.  “Hey, how was your weekend?”  “Algebra really sucks, doesn’t it?” No deep or meaningful exchanges just social pleasantries.

When I joined corporate America I did not know the level of social engagement that was going to be thrust upon me. Unfortunately, I was about to find out. Welcome to the world of cubicles! Yes, no one but Senior Vice Presidents and CEO’s are allowed any privacy.  Doors? Walls?  Who needs them?  Why not put a bunch of people that have never met one another together and see what happens?  What a terrific idea!

Having no doors or windows means that you are forced to stare at your cube mate’s “Hunk of the Month” or “Babe of the Month” posters every single day.  No escape, my friends!  You must sparkle and shine!  Always have a smile on your face even if your morning commute involved standing on the metro for two hours in heels because your co-workers are watching you! It also means that you are going to hear TONS of conversations that you don’t want to hear on a daily basis.   Let’s just say that I was privy to some discussions that included terms that even Urban Dictionary doesn’t know about. Good times, right?

The business world is also fond of creating teams.  Everything is team oriented. I understand the logic behind it, that doesn’t necessarily mean that I have drank the Kool Aid, so to speak. As a former athlete, I value team work, I get “Together Everyone Achieves More.” Yes, I rolled my eyes at that as well! I appreciate the journey of cooperation and that success is much sweeter when it is shared and yada yada yada. I also understand that some tasks do not require a village or a consensus. If you are in customer service and you are answering phones, do you really need to be a member of a team?  It’s not as if you can tag someone in to assist you if Mr. or Ms. Pissed Off Customer is berating you because they didn’t get the right merchandise or they couldn’t balance their checkbook. In my case, there was no one to assist me when the Excel spreadsheet I was working on decided to crap out and all of my data was lost. Is it possible to go all “Dexter Morgan” on software? But I digress.

Most of the time I felt as if I were on an episode of “Survivor.”  I was secretly hoping to be voted off the island. Of course, that didn’t happen. No, I was stuck on this program forever getting bitten by mosquitos in the searing heat or so it seemed. Invariably in one of these business institutions some CEO would receive data on how to increase worker productivity through ping pong tournaments and then the associate engagement frenzy would begin.

For those of you out there that have not been introduced to associate engagement, I will give you a quick tutorial. If employees feel warm and fuzzy about their workplace, then they will enjoy what they are doing and company revenue will increase.  What gives employees the “warm fuzzies?”

It depends on the person.  For some people, a bonus or pay bump will do the trick.  Others want flexible hours or recognition programs.

Since most corporations are way too big to know their employees on every level they rely heavily on survey results.  Each year, associates are required to participate in a survey which is designed to gauge how they feel about their company and their managers.  Prior to this event, a whirlwind o’ activity is started designed to increase favorable survey participation.

The slew of activities can include everything from bad Hawaiian shirt days, raffles for company merchandise such as mugs and shirts (YAY! Who doesn’t want that? Can you say future gift for a relative that you don’t like?) and seminars on how to manage stress. Of course, there are companies that will pay for team building exercises which is code for dinner and drinks on the house!

I can’t tell you how many functions that I have been forced to attend at restaurants or bars under the guise of getting to “know” my team. Usually these events were a plus one.  So I would bring my husband. I felt he needed to share in my discomfort.  One time, we went to a local hot spot. Now, this place would have NEVER been on my bucket list.  It was an establishment that had several entertainment venues and sawdust on the floor.  For those of you that have seen the movie, “The Blues Brothers” think Bob’s Country Bunker.  I was half expecting to be encased in chicken wire like Jake and Elwood Blues. If you aren’t familiar with this reference, then think dive bar with a capital D.  The type of place that you don’t want to see in the light of day.  I should have known what we were in for when we were greeted by one of the wait staff carrying a tray of Jell-O shots.  I was immediately transported back to my college days.  I thought what’s next, grain alcohol punch?

Right off the bat, my husband and I were accosted by one of my colleagues.  Evidently she had been frequenting the bar for several hours because she was having a hard time forming a coherent sentence. “Hey Susan!” Before I could move away, she proceeded to hug me as if we hadn’t seen each other since, oh I don’t know, 3 hours ago.  “Hi Tammie.” I said as I deftly extricated myself from her choke hold. Tammie immediately set her sights on my husband and threw her arms around him. “Who is this handsome guy?”  My husband, forever the gentleman, politely removed himself from her polar bear grip and introduced himself. After this awkward exchange, I decided to keep it moving and immediately said goodbye under the pretense of grabbing some food.

Thankful for our survival, my husband and I headed toward the buffet.  Both of us were starving.  In retrospect, we probably should have eaten at home.  Most of the hors d’oeuvre were fried nuggets of indeterminate origin.  Ever curious, I asked one of the catering staff about one of the dishes.  “Oh, that’s our specialty.  Fried rattlesnake.”  Needless to say, I gulped, thanked him and went on my merry way sans food.

My husband and I sat down on a bench just as the DJ started to play music. Yes, you did read that correctly.  We were sitting on a bench at a picnic table.  It was about this time that one of the managerial staff (with a drink in her hand no less!) attempted to sit down across from my husband and I.  Notice I used the word attempted.  She was far from successful.  As a matter of fact, she fell off the bench.  Luckily for her, a fellow manager swooped in to rescue her.

After prying my eyes away from that hot mess, I was greeted with another sight.  Several of my team mates were getting down to “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk” on the dance floor. Let’s just say they wouldn’t have been contestants on “So You Think You Can Dance.”

What did I learn from this excursion?  That the only time I should go to a team building event is when I am in dire need of a good laugh.  Did that experience help me bond with my co-workers?  No. Did I make memories of a lifetime?  Well, possibly but not in a good way. The day after this train wreck, I heard through the grapevine that someone confused the event with Mardi Gras and thought that if she flashed people she would get beads or something.  I am so glad my husband and I weren’t there to witness that.

The moral of this story? You don’t need to do Jell-O shots with your co-workers in order to be productive at your job and don’t be afraid to ask what’s on the menu.  You’ll thank me later!

Happy 50th Star Trek!

2016 seems to be the year of milestones.  Not only did I turn the big 5-O but so did a dear childhood friend of mine, Star Trek.  I am unashamed to admit that I am a HUGE geek.  Anything to do with science fiction, astronomy, space travel, and technology excites me.  I will watch Neil deGrasse Tyson’s Star Talk on the National Geographic channel happily.  I will also admit to having a guilty pleasure, Ancient Aliens. Yes, I know, some of the subject matter on there is crazy but don’t judge! Katy Perry is a fan. I guess that says something.  What it says, I don’t know.

When I was a young girl in the early to mid-70’s, I remember every day at 4:00 pm I would stop whatever I was doing to catch an episode of Star Trek.  Unfortunately, back then we didn’t have DVR’s, Netflix or Hulu.  I read every book about Gene Roddenberry, the show and the cast that I could find. My first real crush was James Tiberius Kirk.  Later on after learning more about William Shatner (who put quite a bit of his own personality into Captain Kirk) I fell for him too.

Little did I know that while I was enjoying what on the surface was a television show I was also learning about life and shaping my belief system.  I wanted to go boldly where no one has gone before.  Among the many things that I admired about Star Trek was the willingness to address social issues.  One of the original series most memorable episodes was “Let That Be Your Last Battlefield.” This episode addressed racism head on as two survivors of a planet torn apart by war continue to destroy one another aboard the Enterprise. The lesson I learned from that particular program was tolerance of other people who may be different in appearance or have beliefs other than my own.

While I was daydreaming of Kirk, I was also subconsciously integrating his leadership qualities with my own personality.  Kirk was a man of action, he lived his life to the fullest.  He was unafraid when facing the unknown and he was more than willing to meet a situation or battle head on.  Jim Kirk was a warrior when he had to be and a diplomat when the situation warranted it.  He was an honest man.  At times he was headstrong and impulsive but he was true to who he was.  A truly nonpolitical individual, if he believed that the Federation was acting unjustly, he would not hesitate to call them out.  This tendency caused friction between him and senior officers numerous times.  Kirk was not about obtaining glory or position for himself, he was concerned with the welfare of everyone underneath his command.

I also admired Spock.  He was analytical and a keen observer of human nature.  His ability to remain calm, cool, and collected during chaotic times was simply amazing to me.  Through deduction and reasoning he was able to solve the most complex of problems.  He was also extremely resourceful and able to see a multitude of different outcomes for various situations.  When I grow up, I want to acquire Spock’s inner peace. In this world, it is hard not to lose one’s shit at the drop of a hat.  Spock was truly a Zen master.

Leonard “Bones” McCoy played by the late, great character actor, DeForest Kelley, was plain spoken and sharp witted.  He did not sugar coat his diagnoses. Bones was also not above expressing his opinions whether they were popular or not.  He accepted his limitations and knew what situations he could handle and when to defer those that he could not.  I fondly remember, “Damn it, Jim!  I’m a country doctor not a (insert whatever position Bones was not)!”  Believe me, I have gone to the “Damn it, Jim!” phrase many times in my life. Especially when I was in corporate America where you are expected to be a miracle worker.

Perhaps my most enduring takeaway from my love affair with Star Trek is loyalty, unconditional friendship and love.  In the original series, one of my favorite episodes is “The Tholian Web.”  In this episode, after an away mission, Kirk has fallen into an interdimensional rift and is feared to be dead.  His crew never gives up on trying to rescue him.  They risk their lives as well as the potential for war with the Tholian people in their efforts to find their Captain.  In the end, they are triumphant and Kirk returns to the Enterprise.

Probably the best example of these traits are present in the heart wrenching scene at the end of the movie, “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.” Spock sacrifices his life for the lives of every Enterprise crew member.  If only we could all be that selfless! What a better world this would be! I still weep like a baby whenever Spock utters, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.  I am and always will be your friend.”

So Happy 50th, Star Trek!  Thank you for helping me be the person I am today; definitely older, somewhat wiser (that’s debatable!) and reaching for the stars.

Grammar? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Grammar!

Recently I had the pleasure of reviewing some essays written by high school seniors.  I use the word “pleasure” very loosely.  The more I delved in to the project, the more I became increasingly alarmed.  Did the future leaders of America forget about grammar?  Were they only able to communicate through Emojis?

Personally, I blame this crisis on Fred Durst.  You remember him, right?  Leader of the nu metal band, Limp Bizkit? Not ringing a bell?  That’s okay.  Judging by the latest music charts, no one else recognizes him either.

Back in the 00’s, Mr. Durst did an interview on some TV show where he used the following word, “agreeance.” My world came to a screeching halt.  I shook my head back and forth just to make sure I heard him correctly.  Of course, the hipster blond host of the music program didn’t bat an eyelash.  She just kept on blabbering like a crime had not been committed.

Willing to give Fred the benefit of the doubt, I jumped on my computer and searched for the word agreeance. Most sources stated that agreement was the proper term.  After doing further research I found out that agreeance was used in the 16^thcentury.  I really doubt that Mr. Durst had any knowledge of the history of this word. More than likely, he thought it sounded cool.

After that incident, I heard quite a few people using agreeance in place of agreement. Then one day when I was in a meeting at work, one of my colleagues used the word, “conversate.” Once again, my world came to a screeching halt. I thought, “Certainly someone will correct her and say did you mean converse?”  But no, everyone just went on “conversating.” So I went back to my computer and looked up the word conversate.  While no one is disputing the fact that it is a word, converse is the universally accepted term according to the editor at the Oxford English Dictionary.

Now that I have given a discourse on my theory of the decline of grammar in America, let’s fast forward to the present.  Apparently, high school seniors believe that “derive” means “deprive.”  They also seem to think that “tooken” is an acceptable alternative to the word “taken.” I am fairly certain that Liam Neeson starred in Taken.  Or was it Tooken? Forgive me, I digress.

I realize that not everyone is an English major and that everyone should be allowed freedom of expression.  However, I do know that more and more job postings include the descriptions, “Must be an effective communicator,” or “Able to communicate with all levels of management.” Perhaps our school systems should resurrect the lost art of sentence diagramming.  While I shudder at the thought of putting students through this painful exercise, in the end it could save grammar from becoming extinct.

9 to 5 is High School

I guess you could say I had an epiphany the other day.  For many years I wondered why I was not an ideal fit for corporate life.  I used to be puzzled as to why other people would be rejoicing in the fact that they were celebrating 30 years at the same company.  For those of you who are reading this and taking offense to my statement, that is not my intention.  If you spent 30 years at the same company and truly enjoy your work, then kudos to you!  I think it is great you have found your purpose in life and are doing what you love. Embrace it because for some of us the perfect job is an elusive dream.

My epiphany occurred the other day while I was watching the 80’s classic film, “The Breakfast Club.” When I first saw this movie it was in the theater and I was in my second year of college. Yes, I know, I just gave away my age. However, I was struck by how relevant the film is to my life in 2016.  As I watched Molly, Judd, Michael, Emilio, and Ally cavorting in the library I realized that most of my issues with working in office environments stemmed from not enjoying high school.

Crazy, right?  Please allow me to plead my case. In the “Breakfast Club” you have five categories of people that all of us encountered while attending a secondary educational institution.  Molly Ringwald as Claire represented the super popular group, Judd Nelson as Bender represented the trouble maker crew while Anthony Michael Hall’s character Brian represented the geek contingent.  Rounding out the cast was Emilio Estevez as Andy, the fun loving jock and Ally Sheedy as Allison, the artistic outcast.

All of those groups are alive and well and thriving in the business world. They may not be as prominent but they are there.  To be honest, I do not look on my high school years with fondness.  I have not been to a reunion nor do I wax nostalgic about the “good old days.” I did not particularly enjoy being confined to classrooms from 8 am to 3 pm.  While I understand the need for schedules, I did not exactly relish having my day planned out for me.

In the 80’s we did not have home schooling.  We did not have the option to choose our curriculum.  If we were struggling in algebra, too bad, we could not drop the dreaded subject like college.  Nor could we opt out of attending a pep rally even if sports were not our thing. Does any of this sound familiar? Wait for it, wait for it….

Bingo! That was exactly how I felt in the various jobs I have held throughout my life. It was just like high school except the names, faces, and places had changed.  Every institution that I had worked for had the “Breakfast Club” groups.  The cheerleaders and student council members were replaced with the co-workers that were always involved in every activity at work.  These individuals were on various committees, they always won awards, and they always associated with the right people.

The meeting derailers were the new Benders. These were the folks who always made sure that a 30-minute scheduled meeting turned into an hour with their questions on subjects that were already covered or by regaling people with their personal stories that have nothing to do with the topic at hand.

The geeks to me were not the IT professionals but the employees who were found on reporting teams.  These spreadsheet warriors made it their personal missions to blow up email with their enormous Excel reports filled with thousands of tabs and complex formulas designed to give statistics that only Einstein could fathom.  These groups were also the ones responsible for creating every PowerPoint presentation on earth with charts, graphs and other witchcraft that only succeeded in transforming those 30 minute meetings into hours so that people could decipher their Da Vinci codes.

Team managers were the new jocks who would use the aforementioned statistics like box scores in order to coach their respective employees.  Regardless of whether or not they believed in every organizational policy, they had to put their game faces on and make their subordinates rally to the cause.

If I had to categorize myself, I guess I would have to say that in my working life, I fell in to the outcast group with Ally Sheedy.  Not really feeling like I belonged but just needing to get a paycheck.  Keeping my head down and doing what was necessary so that I did not get noticed.

So what is my takeaway from my experience in the world of business? Be your own person, do not try to fit into a group or be made to feel as if you need to become someone you are not.  If you enjoy working in office settings and that is who you are, terrific!  I wish you nothing but success and happiness. For those of you who feel like you are stuck in that high school library on a Saturday morning, just remember you are not alone.  Believe in who you are and the talents that you have to offer. Give yourself permission to find your passion.  It is never too late.

Lowered Expectations or There is No Chance in Hell That I Will Be a Victoria’s Secret Angel

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they reach a crossroads. For some, dreams are pursued and for others reality steps in and slaps them across the face. Yes, my friends, the latter action has occurred in my life. At 50, I am facing the harsh fact that I will NEVER be a Victoria’s Secret angel. Now, many of you might be wondering how this is possible. Let me just say that when I was in my 20’s this was not realistic and I used to run over 5 miles daily plus resistance training plus yoga and yada, yada, yada.

I am slowly learning that the key to successfully aging is to lower your expectations. While this is hard to swallow at times, unfortunately it is something that I am coming to terms with. I realized that I just dangled a participle but screw it, I’m on a roll! Society tells me that I should strive to be perfectly coifed at all times because you never know when the maniacal urge to be Kim Kardashian-West will overtake me and I will want to take a nude selfie. Really, Kim? You don’t have anything to wear as you photograph yourself in a bathroom that is the size of a studio apartment?

The media tells me that if my waist is not the diameter of a Barbie doll that there is something wrong with me and I should consider Sono Belloing the crap out of my body. You don’t look like fricking 69-year-old Helen Mirren (I love Dame Helen!) with washboard abs in a bikini? Not a problem! Just laser those troublesome fat layers away and this can be done on your lunch break from work!

Seriously? After a cosmetic procedure involving lasers I am really going to feel like dealing with my micro-managing supervisor from the underworld and Janice from accounting (my shout out to Mr. John Oliver)? No, I think I will pass on this treatment. Is it really necessary for women in their 50’s to look as if quarters can be bounced off their stomachs?

I am not advocating for women of a certain age or even women in general to just throw in the towel and not care about their health or even their appearances, for that matter. I am just saying that for me, I know that Fit magazine is not going to be banging down my door and I will not be doing an artistic spread photographed by Annie Leibovitz in Vanity Fair anytime in the near future. It is all about the realism for me. Let’s face it, at my age, I feel that being able to get up off the ground, walk around a park or doing yoga and light cardio-resistance training should be sufficient. I think I have earned that privilege.

I have a fitness app on my phone which measures every morsel of food that I eat and every bit of activity I engage in so I do care about staying healthy. Hell, it even YELLS at me if it doesn’t agree with an entry. I guess I am tired of being hard on myself if I don’t look a certain way or if my hair looks as if a Poodle styled it. Thank you, southern humidity!

Personally, I also believe that expectations are ridiculous for men as well. They are expected to have perfectly styled hair, the fashion sense of Tim Gunn and the abs of Channing Tatum. If they don’t walk around looking as if they stepped out of the pages of GQ or Men’s Health, then something must be wrong with them. Men of all ages, I am here to tell you that it is absolutely okay if you don’t feel like shaving and if you want to lounge around on the weekend in t-shirts and baggy sweatpants. As a matter of fact, I happen to find men at their sexiest when they are relaxed. I don’t judge!

In Leighton’s world, as long as you know hygiene you don’t have to be Megan Fox, Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt or George Clooney. Why can’t it be about a person’s intelligence or their wicked sense of humor? Must everyone be reduced to whether or not their teeth are preternaturally white? In the end, can you look at yourself in the mirror and know that you are doing the best you can with what you have and that you are grateful?

I guess that is why I admire women like Tina Fey, Melissa McCarthy, and Amy Schumer. They are intelligent, they are fricking hilarious, and they are not afraid to be themselves, for better or worse. They know what they are and they have accepted their imperfections and in some cases embraced them. As I move into the “back nine” of my life, I want to age like Judy Dench. Dame Dench was able to garner Daniel Craig/James Bond’s respect and she always looked regal while kicking ass.

So even though I won’t be picking up where Gisele Bundchen-Brady left off, I have made peace with myself. I am healthy, I am a work in progress and that my friends, is okay!