Some of you may not know this but yours truly actually
dabbled a bit in the entertainment industry. This is part one in my Hollywood
journey. There are plenty of stories about this little episode in my life and
hopefully, you will find them entertaining.
In 1994, I packed
everything up (yet again) and moved to La La Land. The proverbial City of
Angels, maker or breaker of cinematic dreams or bust, that was where I was
headed. I was fortunate enough to be
accepted into the MFA Screenwriting program at Loyola Marymount University.
This fine institution is responsible for some well-known
industry players such as Glen Morgan and James Wong of the X-Files, film
director David Mirkin, screenwriter and director Brian Helgeland and the list
goes on and on. Obviously excited, I was chockful of ideas and ready to attack
my studies with zeal.
Opting not to live on campus where the “action” was, I
settled in the Calabasas region near Malibu Canyon. This was an ideal location
for me because I was one step away from being a beach bum and still am when
given the opportunity. Luckily for me, I
had a couple of weeks free time so they were spent, hiking the hills around my
house and boogie boarding at Point Dume in Malibu. Finally, I was back in the
Golden State after a brief stint in the late 80s.
Sounds pretty idyllic, doesn’t it? I won’t lie it was and I
enjoyed every minute of it. Finally, school started. I was enrolled in some
pretty interesting courses where I would be immersed in the craft of
screenwriting learning from people that were Writers Guild members. I could see
opportunities on the horizon and things were optimistic.
Months went by and I made some friends. There were parties
and a particularly memorable incident. This was a drunken night on Manhattan
Beach involving 2 bottles of Moet and a fully clothed impromptu midnight swim
in the Pacific. Needless to say, this ruined a perfectly good pair of pants and
a shirt.
One of our favorite weekend excursions was to the
world-famous Comedy Store. The 2-drink minimum sucked but for the opportunity
to be where David Letterman, Garry Shandling, Richard Pryor and Steve Martin
performed, $30 for 2 drinks isn’t too much to pay, right? Especially on a grad
student budget, it’s chump change (insert eye roll). All of my friends were
extremely ambitious and that was great. One of them wanted to be a horror film
director and had a huge tattoo of Bruce Campbell on her thigh, the other one
wanted to work on Star Trek Voyager or Babylon 5 and then my other buddy wanted
to be an animator. The diversity worked well and was a place where creativity
could run free.
During this time, I made 8mm films for class and let me tell
you, you haven’t lived until you have decimated a bathroom with Hershey syrup to
depict a bloodbath on black and white film. The cleanup was a bitch. Although
the actors said it tasted delightful.
Then there was the agonizing editing process which was crazy. Splicing a
tiny roll of film with an ancient editor from the 1800s and then messing up and
then having to use scotch tape to fix your mistake, good times. Lots of
swearing, drinking and almost trashing of the editing machine.
Integrating a soundtrack was daunting because you had to
synchronize the music just right with the film. I won’t lie to you, all of this
was amazingly frustrating. Of course, me being who I am and not being able to
keep my mouth shut, I asked my professors, “Why are we going through this
archaic process? There is modern equipment available and shouldn’t we be
learning how to use that?” The response was always, “You need to know what the
film feels like.”
Really? Trust me. I KNOW what the film feels like. I took
photography as an undergrad. I have developed film. Do I really need to drive
myself insane because I can’t seem to master the fine art of splicing? Does
Spielberg do this? NO.
My first semester flew by and some interesting encounters
took place. I met Jacqueline Zambrano, the executive producer of the CBS show,
Under Suspicion (1994-1995) when she came to speak to my television production
class. As it just so happens, she was an acquaintance of my professor. She was
impressed with the questions I was asking her and inquired if I wanted to
become a production assistant on the show.
Since this was around the holiday break, she told me to give
a call to her office around the first of the year in 1995. Naturally, I was
beyond excited. It sounded like a dream come true. Of course, when I rang her up, I was told the
show was cancelled! Looks like my Irish luck was not with me. Oh, well. On to
the next one, as they say.
As anyone who knows me can attest, I am not the most patient
person on the face of the earth. I was becoming increasingly bored with my
curriculum and was looking for a way to up the ante. That is when I conceived a
brilliant idea. At the time, I wanted to be a writer for David Letterman. I had
been a fan of his stand up and watched his morning show. Another plus is that I
actually saw his show live several times at NBC.
Since Dave was now at CBS and his Late Show was riding high
in the ratings, I decided that I wanted to intern for his production company,
Worldwide Pants. I had just completed a successful stint as an intern for
Lifetime Television so I thought, why not? Pants was behind The Late Late Show
with Tom Snyder. Mr. Snyder had always been one of my favorite hosts from his
Tomorrow show days so I thought what could possibly go wrong?
One of the keys to being successful in any endeavor is perseverance. So, I proceeded to research and find out who was in charge of the internship program with Snyder’s show. Eventually, I wore that poor guy down and I got an interview. Thank God, I didn’t have to resort to pulling a Cusack in Say Anything. Although, that was on the list. Needless to say, I was terrified. I put my game face on as I made the trek to Television City.
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| Unless there is a restraining order |
I can’t tell you how cool it was to walk past the endless
queue of Price is Right maniacs and straight in to the CBS building. Inwardly,
I was spazzing out but I retrieved my security badge and sat in the lobby
waiting for my “escort.” I looked around at the huge pictures of prominent
celebrities and tried really hard not to puke.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I was greeted
by the show’s admin, Kathy Chao. I still remember her name after all these
years because she was a great gal and I admired her ability to not lose her
shit when the exec producers became incredibly demanding. As we made our way to
the production offices, we exchanged pleasantries and I tried hard not to sound
like a raging idiot.
She deposited me in front of a conference room that looked
suspiciously like something that you would have seen on LA Law. A wonderful hostess, she asked me if I would
like anything to drink. Now, while I could have used a shot of tequila or even
an Evian, I declined because the last thing I needed to do was spill something
on my suit. Try explaining why you have a huge wet spot on your pants to a
potential employer. Good luck!
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| Yeah, ladies. I'm hot.
Momentarily thrown off my game, I made sure to put the “sparkle”
on. Mindful not to look like a beauty show contestant wannabe and not smile ridiculously
for no apparent reason, I proceeded to tell Billy why I would make a
spectacular intern. You know, “I can make a Starbucks run in 10 minutes flat
with the appropriate footwear,” “I can definitely grab dry cleaning and make it
through LA traffic doing handbrake turns and drifting in no time flat” shtick. Of
course, I was told that they were interviewing other candidates and that if
interested I would receive a call in a few days.
Convinced that I probably sucked, I drove home and promptly
got stuck in an infamous traffic jam. Yep. Since I was living in a remote area,
my average 45-minute run took a whopping 4 hours! Ah, the perils of living the
glamorous life.
By the time, I made it home, I was frazzled. Of course, my
roommate at the time found out that this great band was playing at some club
and she wanted to go. I wasn’t really in the mood but I figured it might be a
good stress reliever. Just a quick note, the roomie was a hopeful starlet. So,
while she was putting her face on (which took hours), I was busy getting my pre-club
drink on. Since I wasn’t looking to go the casting couch route, I slipped into my
fav pair of pleather pants, threw on a black tee shirt and a jacket and I was
good to go.
By the time, she came out after having done the 45-minute
lip treatment, I was buzzed. That’s when she suggested that we take these pills
that a friend gave her in acting class. First of all, I wanted to know what
they were because I wasn’t about to have a 60s Woodstock experience at a dance
club.
“Oh, it’s totally safe. It’s just
herbs. He got it at the headshop in Canoga Park. Supposedly it will give you
the same effect as X.” The capsule looked innocuous and much like a vitamin supplement
I took so I thought, “what the hell?” We both downed them with shots of tequila.
We weren’t done though. “Now, we have to take this.” She
produced two blue pills. “What is this?” “It’s the booster. It will really
cause the herbal X to kick in.” Shrugging, I poured two more shots, we downed
the pills and off we went into the night.
Traffic was light because after all, it was 11 pm. We got to
the club at 11:45. I took a look at the line. Feeling rather annoyed at the
prospect of being in a rave cattle call, I wondered when in the hell, the pills
would kick in. Unbeknownst to me, my friend had some kind of pass so we didn’t
have to mingle.
While we were waiting for drinks, the pills started to kick
in and all of a sudden EVERYTHING was loud. My heart starting racing and I felt
the need to suddenly DO something. I had all this energy! My roomie was looking
for her friends so I was very glad when my drink got to the table. I was
thinking if I started drinking, alcohol is a depressant so it would calm me
down. Nope! It just increased my urge to do mad cardio. All of a sudden, our
party of 2 became a party of 10. These people I didn’t know came to the table
with my roomie. She introduced me but I couldn’t tell you who any of these
people were nor did I care.
Let’s
just say if Flashdance mated with Footloose throw in a little of Breakin’ and
that is what proceeded to go down. My partner looked a little stunned and did
his best to keep up.
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This frenetic activity went on for what seemed like an
eternity. Then in mid rave mode, I suddenly felt the need to crash. Making my
way back to the table, I sat down thinking it might be a second wind type of
deal. I watched as my roomie was holding court with a bunch of smitten Brad
Pitt, Tom Cruise wannabes. In danger of falling asleep in this strange place, I
grabbed my friend and hauled her out of there. Needless to say, she wasn’t
pleased but she was more coherent than me.
One of her actor entourage offered to drive us home so we
jumped in his car and made our way to Calabasas. The minute I sat in the car,
it was lights out. We arrived back home. My friend’s buddy spent the night in
the spare room because the plan was for him to drive us back to retrieve my car
the next day.
Everything was normal. We went to bed. Well, I passed out
again. Then all of a sudden, I abruptly sat up in my bed. The adrenalin was
pumping. WTF, I thought? I looked at the clock and it was 4 in the frickin’ AM.
Really? I tried to go back to sleep to no avail.
Now, normal people would have tried to tough it out but not
me. I threw on my work out clothes and proceeded to go for a bike ride in the
wee hours of the morning. As the sun was coming up, I realized maybe I needed
to get some proper sleep.
Creeping back in to the still house, I went to my bedroom
and crashed. About 4 hours later, I hear this ringing. It was pretty loud and
my head felt like someone wailed on me with a baseball bat. I proceed to
stumble out to the kitchen area which was like running a gauntlet. Of course,
me being the stellar athlete that I am, before I could face plant into the
breakfast bar, my cat like reflexes saved me.
Somehow, I managed to pick up the phone. Trying not to sound like Lurch from the Addams Family, I answered very quietly. It was Billy Zabka from Tom Snyder’s show congratulating me on becoming one of the first interns for the program. I politely thanked him and hung up the phone. I was going to start Monday on my first job in the business and it felt amazing.
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