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How to Do Hollywood the Wrong Way – Part Two

Feeling like a vampire, I threw on some shades and on four hours of sleep, I went to retrieve my car at the scene of the crime. I can tel...

Friday, January 13, 2017

What’s That Smell? Bad Acting

Recently it has come to my attention that there are way too many celebrity commercials on my television set. Every time I turn around, there’s another one! Do I really need George Clooney to tell me about Nespresso? Like George brews his own espresso? More than likely his assistant takes care of that because his wife, Amal is too busy saving the world.

This prompted me to come up with a list of the most annoying adverts on the face of the earth. Of course, this is just one woman’s opinion but every time I see one of these ads, I want to scream, grab a Tylenol and do a tequila shot and not necessarily in that order. So, shall we begin this odyssey?

1.      Matthew McConaughey – Alright, alright, alright! No, Matthew. It is NOT alright. There you are on my television again in another pretentious Lincoln ad. One time, for no apparent reason, you are clad in a tux diving backward into a pool. Another moment, you are staring ponderously out your car windshield trying to look moody while your voiceover gives me life advice. Really? Now here you are again! This time you are driving this Detroit behemoth in a shallow lake of water doing a handbrake turn because you want to make an entrance. Please. Could your Lincoln just spin right out of my life pronto?

2.      Johnny Depp – Those Sauvage ads are downright creepy and not in a Blue Velvet, David Lynch kind of way. Here we have Johnny Depp looking all goth in Keith Richards’ old eyeliner driving a muscle car down a desert highway. His voice over is telling me that he is feeling emo but I don’t know exactly why or maybe I just don’t care because I am distracted by his man makeup. Finally, he reaches his destination complete with a shovel. There Johnny is in the middle of the Southwest digging a hole in the hot sun just so he can toss his jewelry in there. What the Fraggle Rock does this have to do with men’s cologne? Nothing. Maybe someone can steal Johnny’s car so he’ll be stranded there.

3.      Charlize Theron – Next up is the beautiful Charlize Theron. I like her. I really do. However, in this Dior commercial, not so much. First of all, her entire body is gold. She is walking in the middle of what appears to be the same shallow body of water as in McConaughey’s overblown Lincoln ad. Why on earth would you be wearing a flowing gown in the middle of nowhere? I am glad you asked! It’s an excuse to get Ms. Theron all wet so we can marvel at her “fitness.” I am pretty certain that if I decide to wear J’adore I will not be sporting body glitter while turning the catwalk in a public venue. Just say no!

4.      Leslie Mann – In case you don’t recognize Leslie by name, she has been in most of her husband, Judd Apatow’s films. She has been in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, This is 40, and Knocked Up. Recently, she is starring in Jergens Moisturizer commercials. Sounds innocuous, right? Wrong! In one of the ads, Leslie suddenly appears in a woman’s bathroom scaring the crap out of her. The woman asks Leslie where she came from to which Leslie replies, “the window.” Without missing a beat, she proceeds to extoll the benefits of moisturizing one’s skin. If she came into my bathroom unannounced, she would more than likely get punched dead in the face or she would get a crushing blow to the head with a hair dryer. Yes, Leslie you have committed a crime. It’s called breaking and entering.

5.      Julia Roberts – This Lancôme La Vie Est Belle commercial runs nonstop over the holiday season. In a sea of formal black attire, we suddenly see Julia appear in a halo of blinding white light to highlight her blinding white dress. Of course, everyone stops what they are doing to stare at her. Gee, I wonder why they are doing that? Could it be because she is Julia Frickin’ Roberts? I don’t know, it’s a mystery. As Julia sashays among the people, we can’t help but notice how poured into her dress she is and how well her Wonder Bra is working. Julia is fast approaching the big 50 and gravity hasn’t affected her yet. She must be wearing Spanx created by NASA.

For some unknown reason, as Julia is enjoying the attention she notices that the people attending this gathering are puppets held up by diamond encrusted strings. Oh, this is believable. How many times have you been at a party where people were marionettes? Zero? Yep, that would be correct. Who comes up with these ideas? I would love to hear the pitch meeting. “Think Pinocchio meets the Kardashians.” We could all be spared further commercials like this one if only Julia would ascend those stairs and just jump off the other side.

I hope you enjoyed this list as much as I did. Do you have any celebrity commercials or endorsements that drive you crazy? Feel free to comment below or holler at me via susan.womanontheledge@aol.com. You can also hit me up on Twitter @SusanontheLedge.


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2 comments:

  1. I'd also like to add the latest BT Mobile ads with Ryan Reynolds, Ewan McGregor and Alec Baldwin (to name a few). Also Kevin Bacon in those really annoying EE ads, so embarrassing. Let's not mention Macaulay Culkin (Compare the Meerkat) and Harvey Keitel (Direct Line Insurance).

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  2. There are so many bad commercials! I left Brad Pitt's Chanel ad off! Yes, the Ryan Reynolds neighborhood, Ewan looking cool on his bike & Alec's creepy annoying Amazon ads..Yikes. I haven't seen Kevin, Macaulay or Harvey's adverts yet. Thanks for reading, Captain! I always appreciate your commentary. 🖖

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