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Feeling like a vampire, I threw on some shades and on four hours of sleep, I went to retrieve my car at the scene of the crime. I can tel...

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Who Ya Gonna Call? Not Me- I Have Enough Problems with the Living!



I will admit to being a fan of the supernatural and things that go bump in the night.  This is why I wrote a piece about horror films imparting life wisdom to me.  One of my guilty pleasures is watching shows like “The Dead Files,” “Paranormal Witness,” and “A Haunting.” In viewing these programs, I have learned many things about the afterlife that I never knew. 

The premise of the Travel Channel show, “The Dead Files” reads almost like a pitch for a Lethal Weapon 2.0 reboot.  A medium (Amy Allan) and a former NYPD detective (Steve DiSchiavi) team up to assist people who are tormented by demonic activity, ghosts, or poltergeists.  They investigate cases on a weekly basis and recommend whether the affected individuals can remain in their abodes or whether they should rent a U-Haul.

Apparently if you were an idiot to people in this life, nothing changes once you leave this mortal coil.  You will remain an idiot in your next incarnation.  One of the people featured on “The Dead Files” was a woman who was routinely beaten up while she was sleeping.  She would awaken the next morning with bruises, hand prints on her arms and around her neck, cuts, etc. If this were happening to me, I would take it as a sign that maybe I needed to think about moving or at the very least getting a Tempur-Pedic mattress because I obviously am 50 shades of greying myself in my slumber.

As it turns out, this woman is being smacked around by her bitch of a mother-in-law that detested her when she was living.  I guess since the mother-in-law doesn’t have GPS to take her toward the light and she does have some time on her hands, she probably watched the movie, “Taken,” repeatedly because she somehow acquired a very special set of skills. Suddenly the mother-in-law knows Kung Fu like Keanu Reeves in the Matrix so why not go all ninja warrior on her daughter-in-law?  It sounds like fun and a good way to pass the time!

Another bit of knowledge that I have acquired since becoming a regular viewer of these types of shows is that some ghosts are feng shui experts.  One couple who were experiencing a haunting left their house to run some errands.  When they returned every chair around their kitchen table was arranged into a pyramid and their living room looked as if World War III had occurred in it. While I will agree this is terrifying, it is probably the work of an apparition who feels that their home décor could use a “freshening” up.  After all, that kitchen table set has been around since the 1920’s, this ghost knows that there is a sale at Ashley Furniture so why not take advantage of it?  Or maybe the ghost is a relative and is just doing a gentle nudge so that the couple will consider a spring cleaning!

Sometimes a family on one of these programs is being tormented by a darker entity.  Common occurrences will be hearing disembodied voices, inhuman growls, and smelling horrible odors. Now, if I am minding my own business and I know that there is no one in the house with me and I hear someone calling my name, I am going to be cautious. I might respond and see if I get a reply.  If I get a reply, I am going to consider packing my shit up, not passing Go and not collecting $200.  I am not going to wait around and see what comes next.  If I am continuously smelling rotting food or decaying matter, it probably means that I have got to buy a new refrigerator or Roto-Rooter needs to be called immediately.  Then again, I may just move. 

It kills me (figuratively, not literally) when I am watching one of these programs and one of the participants is wondering why Satan has suddenly appeared and is living in the basement. The ghostbusters will conduct an investigation and ask them if they have ever participated in any supernatural activities.  The answer is usually, “We were sittin’ around with our friends tossin’ back a few Jell-O shots and decided to play with the Ouija board.  We wanted to see if anyone was around.”  Really? What did you think would happen?  Don’t you fools realize that the Ouija board is Beelzebub’s personal cell phone? Just watch “The Exorcist,” “Ouija,” or “Paranormal Activity.”  The Ouija board is definitely not like Pokémon GO. It’s more like Sorry with really bad consequences.

There is probably a reason why I am not chasing ghosts, exorcising demons or channeling the dead.  I have enough problems trying to deal with some of the dumb asses I encounter in this life. So if you are seeing things and they don’t look good, I suggest you contact Zak Bagans of “Ghost Adventures.” His tight t-shirts, bulging biceps, and strategically mussed hipster hair will definitely banish those troublesome spirits!


Are you a fan of paranormal tv shows? Have you ever been haunted? I would love to hear your opinions on the subject!  Please feel free to post your comments or contact me at susan.womanontheledge@aol.com.

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